14th December 2024
It's Christmas Bandits time, and there's no need to be afraid
At Christmas Bandits time, we let in light and banish shade
In these days of cancel culture there has been a lot of noise generated around Sir Bob Geldof's classic song Do they know it Christmas, with the do gooder critics saying of course they know it Christmas its a Christian country, and over the years, the song's lyrics have been criticised for their patronising portrayal of Africa as a barren land that needed rescuing by Western intervention. So I thought if they do already know its Christmas then maybe the lyrics need changing and by just adding the word Bandits after Christmas I believe it will silence the critics, get everyone back on the same page and make the world a better place. So I asked our Bandits correspondent in West Africa to ask the locals what they thought and knew about Christmas Bandits, the question posed to a random sample of customers in Poundland Addis Ababa was "What do you know about Christmas Bandits" with 99 out 100 of them saying they'd never heard of it, the only person to respond differently was Anbassa an apprentice racing pigeon trainer from Akaky Kaliti who said "I've heard of an event that takes place in a land far away, I don't know if its truth or legend, but its a group of elite golfers, and Tonto, who gather on a Saturday morning a few weeks before Christmas and after a hearty meal of fried food and port they compete for a prestigious shield trophy and then celebrate the joyous victory with vast amounts of alcohol, as i've said I don't know if its true but is sounds like an amazing event that only the chosen few can participate in"... Which sums up Christmas Bandits, so on Saturday 14th December 2024 a group of elite golfers, and Tonto, gathered and battle commenced!
The sun was shining, the course was at its best for mid December, the breakfast was hearty and the crackers were crap as 20 golfers got ready to do battle. Unfortunately defending champion and Dad dancer Ivor (former Wrag Barn captain 2013) was unable to participate as he had a poorly tum, but that didn't stop him coming up to the club house to spread his germs around, and Ash who is still recovering from surgery stepped in to fill Ivors mighty shoes, and after 4+ gruelling hours on the course the victor of this years Christmas Bandits was the popular goat loving Bandits President elect Billy Goat Griff with a staggering 40 points, beating Scotty Boy by 4 points, Nick was third on countback, he and Wellery had 34 points. A stunned Griff said following his victory "I played well and despite not having a manly driver and only having a girly driving iron I stuffed the lot of you, I was straight and long and putted like demon, the Griff is back so watch out, I'll cherish the trophy and ensure that nobody forgets who's the Christmas Bandits 2024 champion throughout 2025" A dejected Wellery who started so strongly with 15 points after 5 holes said "Using a manly driver I thought I had a chance today, I started strongly, I was invincible, it could have been over after 9 hols if I kept going but then the wheels fell off and the rest is history, not even getting third place was a bit of sickener especially after I missed a tricky 18 incher on 17, but I'll learn from today and come back stronger next year". The winning team was Newwy, Gary, Griff and Ali with 84 points, beating Broomer, Kieran, Wakes and Wellery on countback. AJ got NTP on the 3rd, Wellery on the 5th nearly holed his tee shot, Newwy got 12 and Simon got 16. Which just leaves the winner of the prize nobody wants, the toilet seat, and this years winner was Vic with 22 points. Vic couldn't hide his disappointment, with his head in his hands he sighed "F*cking hell, even Tonto beat me"
So a fantastic day was had by all, following the awards ceremony we went to the Saracens for a festive turkey feast and following feedback from last year there were more roast potatoes than even Kieran could eat, great food with great company, a few hardy souls made it to kicking out time at the Kinger, including Griff - what a champ! Thanks goes to Gav for organising such a fun day and reviving the betting board, and we look forward to Tonto organising next years event... what could possibly go wrong 🤔
The worthy winner displaying his trophy
A delighted Ivor feeling better after hearing about Griffs win
Photo's from the day
Inspirational Golfing Quotes
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“The most important shot in golf is the next one.” – Ben Hogan
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“To find a man’s true character, play golf with him.” – P.G. Wodehouse
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"You c**t" – Tony Coard
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"Dilly Dilly" – Steve Griffiths
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"I had Belgium" – Ash Green
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"Where's me sausage" – Ash Green
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"Why meeee" - Scott Talbert
"Where's my car" - Scott Talbert
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"Where's my clubs" - Scott Talbert
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"Baaaaaaaaaaa" - Steve Griffiths
Saturday 13th December 2025
Deck the Halls with Tonto’s Balls - Fa la la la la, la la la la
On the biggest day in the Bandits calendar, the anticipation was mounting as there was still some doubt and slight disbelief that Tonto had got this far on his journey in organising the 2025 Christmas Bandits bash, following a highly successful draw on Wednesday we all thought it was likely to happen, but knowing Tonto, we still weren't sure... What if it rains - will he turn up? Has he got enough laces in his shoes? Will a cow escape from a field in Great Shefford, that requires Mayoral intervention? So we all breathed a massive sigh of relief when the great man turned up and like a well oiled machine the 2025 Christmas Bandits began. Still, it wouldn't be Christmas Bandits if someone didn't drop out on the morning and this year it was sicknote Scotty Boy who had come down with man flu, but that didn't throw Tonto, he hardly mentioned it all day, and as all great leaders are excellent delegators, Ash soon had Glen Schaming lined up to fill the Scott shaped gap.
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The pre round warm ups began, coffee, lager, Guinness and Port with a hearty Wrag Breakfast, accompanied by the same dodgy Christmas crackers as previous years, it's good to know that in an ever changing world the quality of the crackers stay constant. There was one other absentee for breakfast as Jim was called into action making the world a safer place the night before and worked to 4am so he ensured he had sufficient sleep which gave him the best chance to win Christmas Bandits, which all top athletes would do - what a pro!
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And so it began, the weather was great, our leader for the day, Tonto, tee'd off first and 27 golfers of varying ability were right behind him, which isn't unusual due to the pace he plays 😉 and after 4+ hours of fun we knew who was this years champion, and a new name goes onto the shield as Mark Walker, who I think may be the first Welsh winner, goes to show how diverse and inclusive the Bandits are. Mark scored an impressive 39 points, beating last years winner Bandits President elect Griff by 2 points who pipped Geoff Porritt on countback. The team award went to Ash, Wellery, Stan and Glen (I think they won it if I'm wrong let me know 🫣). The coveted toilet seat for the last placed Bandit went to Jim with 22 points, who I think may be the first Scottish winner which I also think should qualify the Bandits to be nominated for the next FIFA Peace award. A delighted Mark said following his victory "oooh there's lovely int it, I hit the ball well lush today, I was tip top, its been a crackin day and all credit to Tonto, bendigedig". A not so delighted Jim said "Och, I thought I did everything right, plenty of sleep, scotts porridge oats instead of a fry up, a bucket of balls on the range, a plaster on my nose to stop the sun glare and I still end up with the toilet seat, back to the drawing board I guess".
The NTP's had a twist this year as Tonto decreed you must use your driver (or girly 1 iron for Griff) on each of the NTP holes and the winners were Pezza on the 3rd (he nearly holed it!), Glen on the 12th, and Broomer on the 16th.
After the prize giving and his closing speech, Tonto had one final task to complete, the naming of the Bandit who has the privilege of organising Christmas Bandits 2026 and after much deliberation and conversation we saw the soft side of Tonto as he reflected that as Scott had unfortunately been unable to make it this year, he could have the joy of organising, and if that didn't perk Scott up in his sick bed, then I don't know what would.
So Tonto's work was complete, he did a fantastic job and raised the bar, so a massive thank you goes to him and I'm sure Scott will try to emulate that success next year. The majority of us went back to the Saracens where we had a lovely Christmas meal and some more alcoholic refreshments, thanks goes to AJ for that, after which a few headed to the Cellar Bar, where Broomer celebrated Marks victory by singing a song made famous by his fellow countryman, Tom Jones, Delilah, and I can honestly say it brought tears to some of the people watching. What a day, what a night!
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Mark - our winner
Our runner up and lover
Jim - our loser
Pezza's NTP on 3
Pictures from the day
