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Saturday 4th August

 

Smugs Away!

 Bernie Harrington was in full smug mode warp factor 10 following his and Nice guy Gerry's battering of two unfortunates as the Bandits Senior section stormed to a 6&4 victory in the quarter final of the 4BBB cup/vase/jam jar. 

Following their impressive victory Bernie said "the two unfortunates didn't know me before but now everyone knows who I am. I Played a blinder, I was great, nobody not even Tommy come lately Green could have handled me today, from start to finish I was superb, Nice guy Gerry also did some stuff that helped, but I'm great"

 

Their attention now turns to the semi final, talking about the great opportunity to make it into another final after winning the Dorris Day cup last year Nice guy Gerry said "to be honest I've not been this worried about a semi since I watched Broke Back Mountain - I was lucky the cushion was on the couch! But I know that on the form of today me and Bernie can go all the way and lift the cup/vase/jam jar and do the Bandit's proud!"

Bandits President elect Griff said "I'm so proud of our seniors, they're older and wiser since they retired and we all know that the leather wedge that you're allowed to use when over 60 was used with devastating effect. If they win the cup/vase/jam jar then I'm sure that their fellow Bandits will carry them shoulder high around the course - or just take the p*ss, one or the other"

Ash said "I had Belgium" 

First Bandits victory for Count Sudo 

Count Sudo AKA Gary Blue played out of his skin and secured a famous victory at Wrag today.  With a total of 39 points he beat Bandits President elect Griff who had 38 points into second place. Following on from his near perfect round a delighted Gary said "This means the world to me, I thought it was never going to come, luckily by putting on my old school uniform I've managed to sneak into some of the Junior Week sessions at Wrag this week and picked up lots of tips so I knew I had a chance, and playing against Newwy and former club captain (2013) Ivor was the incentive I required - I showed them!" When asked what he was going to do with his winning Count Sudo said "I hear they've got a sale on at Boots - say no more" and gave a cheeky wink.

In Second place, Bandits President elect Griff said following his 38 "I'm surprised I'm still standing having to carry Broomer all the way round, still I guess his inability to hit a ball straight meant I had to step up, which I did and if I didn't hit such a nancy boy putt on the last I would have taken Count Sudo's crown today, but coming second along with my two nearest the pins has meant I've made a few pounds which I fully intend putting towards some slippers that you can wear outside - how cool is that! - Also although Ash didn't play today he asked me to tell everyone the he had Belgium"

 

Count Sudo following his trip to Boots

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Saturday 21st July

Tommy come lately thrashes the field

A last minute call up for Tom Green proved very rewarding as he took first place with a whopping 41 points and added to his booty by nicking two nearest the pins. Like a modern day Dick Turpin he was ruthless leaving Bernie Harrington crying into his lager in second place. A fine round of 39 points from Bernie would normally be enough to take the prize but not today Tom's putter was as hot as his sun soaked head with the hard hitter making the best of the dry conditions. Tom very nearly missed the round as he was a late replacement for AJ who unfortunately had to work, AJ's PA Pat was supposed to have notified Newman by text of his unavailability, but instead used the medium of e-mail was used which caused a bit of confusion and kerfuffle. With minutes to spare before tee off Tom was notified and the last minute dash was on as Tom played the first in record time to catch up with Broomer, Newwy and Nice guy Gerry on the second tee, and the rest as they say is history. Tom said following his victory "when I got the call from Newwy I threw the tissues down and ran out the door, when I knew I was playing with Newwy, Broomer and Nice guy Gerry it was too great an opportunity to miss as I knew I could learn a lot from them, how wrong I was, all I learnt was a few new swear words from Nice guy Gerry and something about an eagle at the Kendleshire!" When asked what he was going to spend his winnings on he said "its the last day of term on Tuesday and after I've let the fire alarms and extinguishers off I'm going down the pub so the cash will be handy". Gracious in defeat 39 pointer Bernie said in true Scooby Doo fashion "I'm a little disappointed it always happens to me I have a good round and if it wasn't for that pesky Tom I would have won, but I'm going to remain in smug mode for a few days yet"  

Other News

Following Sweepstake-gate Gary eventually picks up his winnings

The dust has settled from the world cup but the controversy still continues, who did draw Belgium? Did Ash really have France and Croatia? Or was it all a dream like Bobby Ewing's shower episode, following a stewards enquiry and consultation with the Court of Human rights Gary Blue was eventually awarded his winnings today, an emotional Gary also picked up the second place winnings for his care patient Vic. Gary said "this will mean the world to Vic, he needs a new wing mirror for his mobility scooter and the £20 could have gone towards that, unfortunately he's not here so I'm sticking it on my Wrag card for more beer - loser!"

Look at what you could've won Vic!

Saturday 18th August

 

Whispering Jim top Bandit in Captains Cup

Whispering Jim Mitchell scored an impressive 38 points to be top Bandit in todays Captains cup at Wrag. With a steady 19 points on both front and back nine he was ahead of former club captain (2013) Ivor Whinney who although apparently playing rubbish still managed 37 points. When asked about his round a delighted Jim said something which nobody heard but we smiled politely and said well done. He was more vocal when asked what he would spend his winning on - “thats easy he said Lager Lager an inbetweener and a bit more Lager”

 

Nice guy Gerry is just two nice!

Despite only scoring 30 points Nice guy Gerry managed two two’s in his round today and being a club competition means it could be a bumper pay day of up to £20 for Nice guy in the two’s competition. A reserved Nice guy said “I’m going to have to share the pot as I know Jan got a two by holing her second shot” which left everybody stunned. When asked what he would do with such a potentially big windfall he said “This has come just at the right time, I’ve bought my hair straighteners now so savings are tight and I’ve always wanted an up the ’ammers tattoo and with going on holiday soon I knew the time was right to ensure anyone on the beech who wanted to mess with me would know I’m an Iron, so I took out a pay day loan and got it done, it wasn’t cheap as I didn’t want a tacky one but the winnings will go towards the first repayment” he then ripped off his shirt to reveal his newly inked back.

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Other News...

Griff’s booked a holiday!

Bandits president elect Griff has booked a holiday to Crete for the end of September next year at Domes of Elounda. A relieved PM Theresa May said “I’m so glad he didn’t choose March as obviously we would have had to have delayed Brexit if he wasn’t around” 

The Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby said “thank our lord that he didn’t decide to go at the end of December as moving Christmas is never easy and we know Griff would have insisted we did”. Tonto the organiser of the Spanish/Turkey/ Turtle Bay golf tour said “Fuc* you Griff we aint changing dates”

Everyone else at Wrag said is it a holiday or Honeymoon…

Ivor buys a bus!

The gathered masses were surprised to say the least when former Wrag Barn captain (2013) Ivor Whinney announced that he’d bought a bus. Ivor said "This will mean that this years Spanish trip will cost an extra £900 per person but over the next 20 years the bus will pay for itself, for Bandits outings I intend putting sugar syrup on the windows so when they're licked it will be little treat for everyone". Ivor also plans to start bus tours to supplement the running costs and is planning a long weekend tour of Belgium- if anyone is interested please contact Ivor directly anytime day or night. Tonto said "I'm up for it as long as he can pick me up from junction 14".

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Saturday 12th December

Newwy is top Bandit on a day full of surprises 

The day started grey but the sun shone later as ten Bandits (i think) took the challenge of the October Stableford competition. All ten hoping to knock a shot or two off their handicap but expecting to get the  .1 increase that usually occurs on these comps, with the top Bandit of the day being Newwy carding a respectable score of 33 points, beating former captain (2013) Ivor into second place with 32 points and Bandits President elect Billy Goat Griff with 31 points into third place. At the other end of the scoreboard we had the Big Man Ash with 22 points and Wellery who had one of those days we all have from time to time where he spent more time in the tree's than a Moroccan Goat on a sunny day, and once in them, just couldn't get out, ending the day with 20 points. After his round Newwy had time to reflect on what had been an eventful morning at Wrag saying "I don't want to bleat on about missed chances but I'm sure Griffs nanny would have had less lipped out putts than me today. I missed my chance of a two when I tried to ram a putt in but it just bounced off the flag stick. I hoofed some good drives which I've done since I was a kid but I couldn't convert enough chances" Just then Wellery butted in saying "Ewe wouldn't believe it I managed to four putt from twelve feet, and I feel baaaaaaa'd about that" 

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I talk to trees, but they just call me a cu*t

Other News ..
The early morning bookers enjoyed various different bants topics this morning, some of which would have got David Attenborough's ears twitching as he looks for a follow up to his hit documentary A Life on our Planet. Despite starting on the subject of different sizes and types of man hole covers for Griffs latest building project, that topic alone would be enough for a Netflix mini series staring Warwick Davis as Griff, but the conversation quickly turned to wildlife, as the difficult and often shied away from subject of turkey wanking was debated at great detail highlighting the challenges that artificial insemination brings with it to ensure that the nation can have their traditional Christmas Dinner. It was at this point that Bandits President Elect told the gathered group of his life long love for goats and the pleasures they have bought to him in the past. In a touching tribute to the little hairy horned herbivores, Griff recounted stories of chasing goats as a youngster, running through the meadows without a care in the world and the fun he had when he caught up with the playful little chaps. 
It bought many a tear to his fellow bandits who were touched by Griffs rare show of emotion. 
 
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Saturday 7th July 

Phew what a scorcher! Newman wins again, but he's taken all the way. 

Newman did it again winning the third major of the year to add to his Summer Trophy win and we think St Georges cup, he could be the first bandit in history to make a clean sweep of majors in a calendar year if he can pull it off at Christmas Bandits. The prestigious Jolly Boys event held at The Kendleshire went right to the wire with Newwy beating Broomer on count back, the two couldn't be separated both on 33 points with the same front and back nine score but Newwys points total on the last 3 holes just got him over the line in first place. A jubilant Newwy said "I feel for Broomer he came here to defend his title and so nearly did it, but enough about him I got an eagle on 5th" On a roasting day there was only four points separating first and last place and anyone could have won it. At the halfway stage the 2013 Wrag Barn club captain Ivor Whinney had a one point lead over the field but with his mind obviously on the garlic prawn starter at Lambbobapeenos he failed to capitalise on his good start and drifted down the field to finish on 31 points. In a tie for last place Jim Mitchell took the most golf award with 29 points again on count back.

In his victory speech Newwy thanked everyone for making the day so special and awarded himself the most improved player certificate, he said "I'm over the moon with my performance today, I hit the ball well and kept stuck in, I had an eagle on the 5th which set me up nicely for the victory. At times it was lonely out there playing with the 2013 Wrag Barn captain Ivor who was sharing a buggy with Bernie they were often away in the distance like two lovers looking for a dogging site and with Jim in full route march mode meant I had a lot of time to myself to to hatch my game plan... Did I tell you I had an eagle on the 5th?" Following his victory Newwy celebrated with the other bandits in Highworth and used some of his prize money to pay for a sumptuous cold buffet in the Plough Inn, where he recounted the story of his eagle on the 5th to anyone who was drunk enough to listen.

Our Winner

Our loser

Our buffet

Newwy with his mates

Confusion over the result of the 9 hole Texas scramble

As always the warm up event for Jolly Boys was the 9 hole Texas scramble, but this year there was controversy and confusion after former 2013 Wrag Barn club captain Ivor Whiney decided at the last minute to pair up with Buggy Boy Bernie contrary to the agreement made 30 minutes earlier over a bacon roll. As there were two 3 balls and one 4 ball the percentage of combined handicap for each group caused some disputes. Should it be one tenth for the four ball or three ball or one eighth, nobody seemed to know. There was discussions about using the Duckworth Lewis method to resolve it but after some frantic googling and a couple of calls the R&A the following formula was agreed upon - [r1(cosθ1+i⋅sinθ1)]⋅[r2(cosθ2+i⋅sinθ2)]=r1⋅r2[cos(θ1+θ2)+i⋅sin(θ1+θ2)] which unfortunately meant that Gladys Johnson and Vera Clegg who were playing on the 9 hole at Broome Manor won the Texas scramble event. On hearing the news Gladys said "we knew we always had a chance because those bandit f*ckers haven't got a clue, when Newman called to tell us we'd won we were delighted although he did go on a lot about some eagle he had on the 5th? I've already spent the £5 in my head, I'm off to Sainsbury's to get a Fray Bentos steak and kidney pie for my supper"

Saturday 26th June

Move over Duncan there's a new Bandit in town... to be sure! 
The title of biggest bandity bandit could soon be changing hands as Duncan with his ridiculous handicap is now looking over his shoulder as Kieran has hit a rich vein of form which has seen him scoring 40 or more in the last two weeks so if he can dodge the new World Handicap System as good as Duncan then there's a chance we'll need to change our Saturday standing orders from Duncan to Kieran! So, on a pleasant Wrag morning a depleted field of 7 Bandits due to call ups for a match against Marlborough, Nice Guy isolating after a senior Covid scare, and of all things, Bandits President elect Billy goat Griff working, thats right the man that makes Ivor (former club captain 2013) look busy was actually doing a days work after all these months on furlough, not too sure what he was doing, someone said he was selling candy floss at a virtual air show, another said hot dogs, but whatever it was lets hope our goat loving future president got through it and will have a well earn't couple of months off before he has to work again... Anyway back to the golf and Kieran followed up his 44 point victory last week with a 40 pointer victory beating Vag into second place by a mind boggling 8 points, playing very steady golf with 7 points after two holes he kept the scoreboard ticking over and the rest is history. A chuffed as fuck Kieran said following his victory "Oh what a round, what a round I said to be sure, despite two blobs I still got 40 points so I did and I'm playing well at the moment so I am, and although I feel I'm better than my handicap I'm talking to Duncan who's assistant to the assistant assistant's assistant handicap secretary to see if I can be his assistant to enable me to learn handicap protection like the wee man and as long as I can keep playing like this I can take the money every week like a true bandit, too be sure I can,  begorah" For the record I think Nick got NTP on 3 and 12 and Kieran got the 16th. 

















 

Our winner 

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Other News ..
Handbag is back (only until Wednesday 😢)
It was great to have Handbag back playing Saturday Bandits and also playing in true handbag fashion, driving it 250 yards down the middle on one hole then slicing like a cu*t on the next, but he still finished with a very respectable 29 points. But alas our jet setting Airport executive flies back on Wednesday and if we're lucky we will see him again at Christmas. 

 
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Saturday 26th June

Move over Duncan there's a new Bandit in town... to be sure! 
The title of biggest bandity bandit could soon be changing hands as Duncan with his ridiculous handicap is now looking over his shoulder as Kieran has hit a rich vein of form which has seen him scoring 40 or more in the last two weeks so if he can dodge the new World Handicap System as good as Duncan then there's a chance we'll need to change our Saturday standing orders from Duncan to Kieran! So, on a pleasant Wrag morning a depleted field of 7 Bandits due to call ups for a match against Marlborough, Nice Guy isolating after a senior Covid scare, and of all things, Bandits President elect Billy goat Griff working, thats right the man that makes Ivor (former club captain 2013) look busy was actually doing a days work after all these months on furlough, not too sure what he was doing, someone said he was selling candy floss at a virtual air show, another said hot dogs, but whatever it was lets hope our goat loving future president got through it and will have a well earn't couple of months off before he has to work again... Anyway back to the golf and Kieran followed up his 44 point victory last week with a 40 pointer victory beating Vag into second place by a mind boggling 8 points, playing very steady golf with 7 points after two holes he kept the scoreboard ticking over and the rest is history. A chuffed as fuck Kieran said following his victory "Oh what a round, what a round I said to be sure, despite two blobs I still got 40 points so I did and I'm playing well at the moment so I am, and although I feel I'm better than my handicap I'm talking to Duncan who's assistant to the assistant assistant's assistant handicap secretary to see if I can be his assistant to enable me to learn handicap protection like the wee man and as long as I can keep playing like this I can take the money every week like a true bandit, too be sure I can,  begorah" For the record I think Nick got NTP on 3 and 12 and Kieran got the 16th. 

















 

Our winner 

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Other News ..
Handbag is back (only until Wednesday 😢)
It was great to have Handbag back playing Saturday Bandits and also playing in true handbag fashion, driving it 250 yards down the middle on one hole then slicing like a cu*t on the next, but he still finished with a very respectable 29 points. But alas our jet setting Airport executive flies back on Wednesday and if we're lucky we will see him again at Christmas. 

 
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Saturday 30th June

OAP special - Nice guy Gerry and Bernie through to next round

The Reuters feed that normally brings the scores updates through appears to be dysfunctional so no scores this week. However the big news from Saturday did get through and The Highworth Bandits Senior section are doing well in the pairs competition with Bernie and Nice guy Gerry making it through to the quarter finals of some knockout cup thing competition beating someone 3 and 1. Following the victory Nice guy Gerry said "after last weeks 40 pointer I felt on top of the world and knew we were well positioned to progress to the next round, I'm lucky to have such a strong supportive partner in Bernie, I'm sure we'll go far together - the sky's the limit"  Bernie talking to himself on the way home said "i'm fu*king brilliant" and looked very smug. 

Other News... 

Milestone birthday for Vic!

Our roaming reporter Wakes has provided the following story...

Senior member of the Bandits Vic Moss turned 75 recently and to celebrate the occasion his friends allowed him to play golf with them and treated him to champagne and sea salt and malt vinegar crisps at the 19th hole. Overcome with emotion Vic said "I didn't even remember it was my birthday until Nursie Gary came round to pick me up and dress me, obviously he had to dress himself first. I've had a great day with such pleasant people although I'm not too sure who they are but Gary say's they're my friends so thats good enough for me! To have champagne and crisps at my age is a delight and once I've soaked the crisps a little bit longer I should be able to eat them"

Congratulations to Vic and here's to the next 75 years!

Saturday 25h August

 

Johnny come very lately spanks the field

A very late request(23:47 Friday when all serious athletes were in bed) from Mr Belgium on behalf of Duncan Case paid dividends as Duncan proved his bandits potential by winning today. Playing with Dave and Gary (who for some reason decided to dress like Jimmy Krankie) and playing off 16! he romped home with an impressive 37 points a massive 6 points of ahead of second placed AJ.  A shocked but happy Duncan said "After bleating on about something to do with Belgium for what seemed like a lifetime Ash told me there was an opportunity to play with the Bandits in the morning and I couldn't believe my luck, and when he said that Newman and Nice guy were on holiday I thought I can make a bit of money too, with their two strongest players out I can pull down their pants and slap their arses and I did!, it was great playing with Dave and Gary, although I'm not sure why Gary was dressed as Jimmy Krankie but it was still fun and taking the £6 and nearest the pin on the 3rd means this is a bumper weekend for me!"

Gary said "Duncan played Fan dabi dozy, I tip my cap to him, and he is shorter than both me and Griff!"

For the record the scores were Duncan 37, AJ 31, Whispering Jim 29, Broomer 28, The Count 27, Dave 24, Jim got NTP on 16th none of elite athletes hit the 12th green so Jim took £3 for third place, an embarrassed Jim said "£6 will do me, thats a pint and a half of lager, what a bank holiday weekend this has turned out to be"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Other news...

 

Nice guy and Smug guy make the 4BBB final

Obviously the only big news this week is that the Bandits senior section of Nice guy Gerry and Bernie have made it through to the 4BBB final beating Jean and Jean by a staggering 3&2. Before departing for his holiday Nice guy Gerry talking via his new agent Barrie Hearn "We were good, so so good, me and Bernie dovetailed like two doves with big tails. I'm now preparing for the final, while on holiday I will be in touch with Bernie every day ensuring he's working on the fitness regime we've agreed on and I've also arranged for Eileen Drewery to visit Bernie twice a week so he is mentally prepared for the final which won't be easy but we both believe we can do anything now and with Barry managing us the sky is the limit"

Bernie said "I am great, Nice guy is good and together we can go far, Ivor has already said he'll drive the bus for the tour round Highworth and Sevenhampton if, or should I say when we win"

Barry said "we'll see how the Mickelson v Woods match goes in Vegas, my people are in touch with their people and we'll be offering up Bernie and Nice Guy to play a one off 4BBB against them with a winner takes all pot of at least £20 - the ball's in their court lets see what they do"

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Saturday 8th September

 

News from the Carterton Car Cup thingy

It was a quiet Bandits day today due to the Carterton Car Cup thingy competition at Wrag. Bandits President elect Griff, Eagle man Newwy, Broomer and Handbag were the early starters and bookers, with Count Sudo, Roser and former club captain (2013) Ivor out later. Making the most of the quality time available Bandits President elect Griff held a consultancy clinic with the minutes below:

0645 – Coffee at the club

Coffee was drunk while bollocks were talked

0650 – Meeting with Chris to discuss Kuwaiti / West Africa issues

Unfortunately Chris was late for his appointment but Griff did agree that Handbag could be the part of the Bandits diplomatic core for future state visits to Kuwait and West Africa

0655 – Pro shop to book

The booking ceremony took place with 3 tee times booked for Saturday 22nd 8:20, 28 and 36. There is a four club challenge taking place alongside so if you want to enter do so via the app.

0700 – Another Coffee

Another coffee was drunk and more bollocks talked

0705 – Meeting with Rob to discuss options for Market square redevelopment

Rob expressed his concern that the Bandits had not been consulted on the redevelopment and he thought that a statue of Bernie and Nice guy Gerry should be considered if they win the 4BBB cup. Griff agreed and will contact the PM to delay the work until after the final. Action Griif

0710 – Another Coffee

More coffee, more bollocks

0715 – Meeting with Newwy to discuss the implications of a soft or hard Brexit on the Bandits

An intense debate took place with Newwy preferring a hard one while Griff made the case for a soft one, Broomer said that maybe a semi one would be best for the seniors, eventually we all agreed to go for floppy one and hope for the best. Griff will use all his ministerial influence to push for a floppy Brexit. Action Griff

0720 – More Coffee

By this time we were struggling with the coffee but the bollocks kept going.

0725 - AOB

The meting raised concern regarding Wake's infatuation with toilets and excrement as demonstrated by recent WhatsApps and while this isn't unusual in the Bandits community it should not be encouraged as it's making some of the group gag while eating their tea. It was agreed by all to have a whip round soon to get Wakes some talking therapy. 

Griff told the meeting that he won't be playing next week as he's going to Bristol zoo, the meeting responded 'Aaaah bless" and Griff agreed to bring back a rubber snake for show and tell on the 22nd Action Griff

0730 – Pre golf toilet visit – to get rid of the coffee

As Count Sudo wasn't here yet both cubicles were free. 

0735 – Prep body and clubs

Bodies were prepped, stretching took place, scaffold was attached to Handbag's knee

0740 – Into combat

Despite both having a hangover from last night the two "grey c*nts" Newwy and Griff played steady golf despite Griff leaving a few pansy putts short they scored a creditable 41 points. Boomer and Handbag on the other hand didn't quite dovetail as well with 3 blobs on their card they scored a paltry 37 points despite Broomer's wonderful birdie 4 for 4 points on the 17th. Newwy said "Broomer's birdie was good but compared to my eagle at Kendleshire it was sh*t"  Broomer said "that was a constructive and fair comment" Following the round Handbag said "I played a bit of an evil game today, good bad and ugly, I covered a lot of ground as my Garmin tracker shows (picture below) so it wasn't through lack of effort on my part just lack of execution"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Other news...

 

Count Sudo struggling 

Apparently another one of the "Grey c*nts" was feeling a little worse for wear this morning following his big night out Count Sudo was "holding it in" this morning and not looking forward to the bracing Wrag air, the latest we heard was he did play golf but nobody knows how he and Roser got on. At time of going to press we also don't know how Former club captain (2013) Ivor got on today playing with Scott, if anyone knows please get in touch. 

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A little treat for Wakes 

 

Saturday 15th September

 

Its a Smugs Game - Set and Match!

Captain Smug Bernie Harrington will be promoted to Air Commodore Smug after todays amazing display at Wrag. With birdies at the first and last he scored a whopping 42 points beating Pat Higgins into second place who himself scored an impressive 40 points. Bernies round included two blobs which must raise a few eyebrows from the seniors handicap secretary (if such a position exists!). A plumped up Bernie, finalist in the 4BBB and semi finalist in the Doris Day cup speaking after his round said "This win is for Nice guy, I've missed the big man while he's been away, he's not only my doubles partner he's my BFF and knowing he's back in the country was such a big boost for me, I was worried he was going to go jogging, turn a corner and get eaten by a grizzly, because thats what happens in Canada but thank the lord he didn't, I wanted to show Nice guy that I'm ready for the final, I know he was worried that I'd be up the Roser every night as he wasn't here to keep an eye on me, which obviously I was but I was also ensuring I maintained my fitness and practiced every day, I did the multi gym daily, sorry did I say gym I meant gin, I did multi gin, lager, cider and wine daily but I'm so good at golf that I can still pull 42 points out of the bag at any time. I am great and today was just the first part of an amazing treble next is the final of 4BBB and semi of Doris Day cup, when I land all 3 I will go down in Bandits history as the best ever, and become a legend which I fully deserve" The assembled masses nodded in agreement but a few said did he say legend or bell end as he's already achieved that. A slightly disappointed Pat in second place said "I've learnt a lot from Bernie today, unfortunately I won't be able to put into practice for another 30 years, but his use of the C word is inspirational and something I will be practicing daily". 

For the record Bernie got nearest the pin on the 3rd, Wakes on the 12th and Jim on the 16th. Broomer scored 32 points, Jim 31 points, Tonto low 20's and everyone else scored some points but I can't remember as I forgot to bring the cards home. 

Pictures from today...

Daves memories from today and a spot the ball competition  :-) 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Other news...

 

Pat becomes a fully trained booker

It was a big day for Pat as he attended the booking ceremony for the first time to become a fully fledged booker. Six Bandits turned up before 7 to witness the event as Pat strode nervously into the pro shop, and seemed a bit confused with the phone ringing and not being answered then Dave the pro called out 8:20, 28 and 36 and the other bookers exited the shop and went back to drink coffee. Following the ceremony Pat said " I hardly slept a wink last night, I didn't want to mess up, I knew Broomer would be there to help but I needed to do it and I thought if Count Sudo could then I could too, and I did, I've not felt this proud for a long long time, I'm now going back to the bar to drink coffee and talk bollocks with my fellow bandits"

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Broomer was unlucky to find the new greenside bunker playing the 17th (bunker was previously known as the green side bunker on the 6th)

Saturday 22nd September

 

4 club challenge? What challenge? says PA Pat!

For the second week in a row AJ's PA, Pat Higgins scores 36+ points, but this week his impressive score of 38 points was scored with just 4, yes 4, clubs. Once the early morning Bandits worked out what a 4 club challenge was and the difference between a 4 and 3 club challenge, 7 of the 10 decided to give it a go, with only President elect Griff, Tonto and Dave deciding to go with the traditional 14 clubs, a decision that they may now regret (or not as the case may be - just ask Broomer!). Playing off a childs handicap of 15 PA Pat played steady and at times brilliant golf in tricky conditions and if his putting was a bit better he would have broken the 40 point barrier for sure. The masterful way he achieved par on the 18th chipping over the trees on the left with a driver to the 14th fairway, giving himself the perfect line into the 18th green over the big bunker but short of the small one a perfect chip and single putt and bobs your knob - par, was just an example of the genius golfing mind of PA Pat. After his round a delighted Pat said "I may only play with 4 clubs from now on, I want to get a mans handicap and I'll do anything to get one so I get the respect from Jim and AJ that I deserve, and scoring 38 with 4 clubs must impress them, thats all I'm after" Not only did Pat take first place he also got nearest the pin on the 12th hole. When asked what he was going to do with his winnings he said "I'm moving away from the Saracens soon and AJ has agreed to run a cider line down to Sevenfields if I help fund it so this will help go towards it, if only I knew a good plumber who could do the work I could get it in before I move" In second place was Pat's boss AJ with a solid 35 points, and as none of the 10 fu*kers playing could hit the third Ash took third place with 32 (or was it 33?) which was also very impressive seeing the state of him first thing today! For the record Eagle Man Newwy got NTP on the 16th. In last place with a very unimpressive score of 20 playing of a manly handicap off 20 Broomer said "unfortunately I took the 4 clubs I couldn't hit out with me today but I held the flag well for Pat and Ash so I feel I've contributed in a way, having only 9 points after 9 holes I felt I needed some inspiration and seeing Nice guy and Bernie on the first tee of their 4BBB final gave me the boost I needed,and thanks to those 2 I scored the 11 points I needed to save the embarrassment of scoring under 20, one day I hope to emulate their success, but playing like a twat today it could take a while!"

In the clubhouse following the round it was agreed that AJ's and Pat probation period should be extended if they are going to keep taking the money and it was also great to see Youngy out with the bandits this morning, let hope we see him more in the future.

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Breaking News:

Put the bus back in the garage,take the champagne off ice - Nice guy and Bernie lose on the 16th 

Sadly Gerry and Bernie couldn't quite get over the line in thier final beaten 3 and 2 who must have got lucky to beat our two star seniors. After their defeat Bernie unusually in unsmug mode said "They played so well and I played like a c*nt, even Nice guy couldn't work his magic, we're sick as parrots at the moment but I'm sure after a few beers we'll be back to our old selves and be looking forward to many more challenges in the future, because we are so good" Nice guy was too upset to talk immediately after the match but emerged from the locker room to say "it's been an incredible journey, who'd have thought that me and Bernie two retired accountants could come this far in so short a time, our rise has been astounding and although we didn't quite get it together today I'm sure we will in the future, this is the start of something big".

Bandits President elect Griff said "we are so proud of the two of them, the fact that they may have played like a pair of c*nts today doesn't matter - we've been expecting it for a while! They will always be hero's to all of us and we salute them!"

Saturday 29th September

 

Mejor hombre Newwy se prepara de la mejor manera!

Eagle Man Newwy prepared in the best possible way for the up and coming Spanish trip by winning today with a very impressive 38 points beating Mr Belgium Ash with 36 points into second place. Playing very steady golf (except when Roser gave him some advice) Newwy nearly eagled the 4th with a fantastic third shot which had the ball teetering on the edge of the hole  - but thank f*ck he didn't as we've only just heard the last of his eagle at The Kendleshire. On winning today, a jubilant Newwy said, "This is just what I needed with the Spanish trip a few days away where I'm defending champion, I'm close to the top of my form and will peak next week, last year they sabotaged my buggy to try and stop me and couldn't, this year if they want a chance, they're going to have force feed me mojito's, tie me to a sun lounger and smother me in Sudocrem... hang on that could happen, I better get practicing!" For the record Roser got NTP on the third, The Count on the 12th and Ash on 16th.  

Other News:

After Sweepstake gate theres now sausage gate! 

Just as the noise has nearly died down following the World Cup sweepstake debacle, further controversy has now blown up again involving Mr Belgium or should he now be known as Mr Sausage (I know thats what his wife calls him, but I think it may now become more widespread). Following his second place and NTP success today Ash celebrated with a bacon roll, but how many sausages is normal in a bacon roll, none I hear you cry its a bacon roll! But Ash actually ordered a bacon and sausage roll but was dismayed it only contained a single sausage and not the two he was expecting. A disappointed Ash immediately fed this back to the Wrag Management team, who responded that his roll had three, yes three rashers of bacon so only one sausage and clearly on the menu in very small writing I'm sure it says "you get 4 pieces of meat in your baps, this isn't a fuc*ing Toby carvery so get over it" Ash said "This is the thin edge of the wedge, I blame Brexit, obviously I'll have to mark the bap down on Trip advisor so I can't see the Japanese tourists coming here for the baps! - Also I had Belgium"

Jimmers having a Leo tomorrow! 

It was good to see Jim attend the early morning coffee group today following his three gruelling night shifts protecting us all while we sleep safely in our beds. Although too tired to play he told the assembled group that with the Ryder Cup on all day he was going to have a Leo tomorrow - WTF we all thought, has Jimmer come out the closet, does him having an inbetweener mean something different than we thought, but oh no, we can rest easy, a Leo is a Leo Sayer Scottish rhyming slang for an all dayer - he'll be on it all day for the duration of the singles cheering on the Europeans through a lager haze - like a lot of us!

Have fun in the Sun 

Finally we wish all of you off to Spain on Wednesday the best time, but remember you are representing the Bandits so no silliness, early to bed and let the golf do the talking... or not discuss. Have a great time. Broomer following another dismal round today said "I'm using the International break to practice practice practice, while they're on their hols I'll be on the range honing my skills so when they come back I'll stuff em all"... or not discuss.

  

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Tu coño

Saturday 27th October 2018

He's the Bees knees 

Eagle Man Newwy started slowly but warmed up quickly playing some great golf scoring 34 points in tricky cold and windy conditions. He came close to eagles on the 10th with a great chip from just off the green and was putting for eagle on the 17th from about 20 foot but dropped his lipstick and just got it over half way to the hole. Newwy who has his knee job on Tuesday was still over the moon scoring 14 points on the front nine and a very impressive 20 points on the back as well as getting nearest the pin on the 3rd and 16th said "I knew I wouldn't be playing for a few weeks due to my knee job so I wanted to go out on high, playing with Handbag is always a bonus as he offers such good advice and tips on improving my game and his reading of putts is second to none at least 1 of the points I scored today was down to him, I'm now having an enforced break of a few weeks so it will give me chance to reflect on a good year, the highlight being my eagle at the Kendleshire - have I mentioned that?"

In second place was Handbag with 31 points who similar to Newwy started slowly - there may be 142 species of trees at Whychwood but Handbag hit about 142 trees on the first at Wrag for a double figure start, and continued in the trees on the second before clicking into gear ending with 31 points. As none of the 8 playing today could hit the green on the 12th Broomer picked up third place with 29 points.  

In the clubhouse after the round the discussion was knee surgery as both Newwy and Tonto are under the knife in November. Handbag wanted to know if Newwy was having his operation locally which he is at Wroughton Tonto's is at the GW. Newwy's having a clean up of the crap in his knee and Tonto is having a full or half replacement at the end of November, see below, which would you prefer?  We wish Newwy all the best and speedy recovery this week and the same for Tonto at the end of November. 

Clean up

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Full knee!

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Other News...

Ivor may be moving!

Former club captain (2013) Ivor Whinney may be moving house, but don't worry he's looking for properties in Highworth maybe one of the new builds on Shrivenham Road. Ivor said "It makes financial sense to move nearer Wrag, the amount of time I spend there means that in petrol alone I will save over £250 a month and I'll be able to drink loads and walk home, it seems perfect to me" However moving house comes with certain headaches, the electric certificate for starters - do you need one, how much do they cost, can Count Sudo do one for you at mates rates? That was the debate at coffee, the Count more or less said f*ck off without actually saying it telling the former captain that you don't need to have one, in a pantomime-esq response Ivor said "oh yes you do", which count responded "oh no you don't", so to put the record straight, by the power of Google...

"As a Vendor, you are not required by law to provide the purchaser with a Gas Safety Certificate or an Electrical Safety Certificate. You are required to provide a Gas Safety Certificate if you intend to let the property and must do this annually.
The NICEIC recommend 10 yearly inspections of all domestic wiring installations or upon change of ownership whichever occurs sooner, but the onus for this is usually placed on the buyer not the seller and is usually a recommendation made in most Homebuyer & Building Survey reports. So the purchaser may bounce it back to the seller!"

So the count was right - which may be a first and its one thing less for Ivor to worry about as he attempts to move closer to his spiritual home. 

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Saturday 3rd November 2018

Whinney's the Winner! 

Former club captain (2013) Ivor Whinney played out of his skin today being top Bandit in the November Medal and was in the running for winning the event but as the Wrag website isn't updated at time of writing who knows if he did or not! Using his "agricultural" consistent swing and putting like a putting monster he amassed a stunning 23 points on the front nine and 18 on the back for a 41 point total. Following his round the former captain said "I was steady, I hope I've done enough to win but I left a few putts out there, playing with Broomer gave me plenty of time to think about and plan each shot while he was playing his own little game of hit the tree. I'm leader in the club house and it'll be a nervous wait seeing the scores come in" Playing partner Broomer said "Playing with former captain Ivor is always an honour and a pleasure, I didn't see too much of his round as I was busy hitting golf balls against tree's to test their elasticity, I will be issuing my dissertation on the subject in the next few weeks, the shot's I did see Ivor playing were stunning, he's in top form and I think he'll be the man to beat at Christmas Bandits, playing six times a week has certainly paid off for him", his other playing partner Ash said "I still don't believe you only get one sausage in a bacon and sausage bap, its criminal"

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Other News...

President elect snubbed!

Bandits president elect and winner of the former captains giant trophy competition Griff was unconsolable when the invites to Christmas Bandits 2018 came out.  He found out he hadn't been invited when talking to the bloke with glasses who works in the Co-op who had received an invite and asked Griff if he was playing, Griff said "I was embarrassed, I didn't know the invites had been sent, I quickly checked my phone but nothing, I smiled and said of course I'm playing, I'm the president elect don't you know, but I had to leave the shop before the tears that had welled up in my eyes started flowing, I left my shopping basket on the floor, I had some bananas which were reduced as they were bit black, and a coconut and lime scented candle which I was so looking forward to lighting but I couldn't face the checkout girls who I'm sure would also have had an invite". A sheepish Nice Guy who is this years organiser said "it was an IT glitch, being Chief Finance Officer for the Bandits it's my duty to review and cut running costs where I can, I decided to migrate our expensive Microsoft SQL database to an Open source free to use MongoDB, unfortunately some data got corrupted from the mailing list" he then paused, put his head in hands and said "I can't lie, I'm too nice, it was my mistake, I used last years final distribution list and as Griff didn't play he wasn't on it, I'm glad it got sorted quickly but I'm so sorry for the upset it caused our President elect"

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Saturday 17th November 2018

Todays winner... Mr Smug NO! Mr F-I-T

Heads turned as Bernie walked into the clubhouse showing off his new slimline look and amassing 38 points beating former club captain (2013) Ivor with 35 points into second place. On a glorious Wrag day 7 players took the challenge with everyone scoring 30 or more points but Bernie showed the more you put in the more you get out. He's now two weeks into his new fitness regime and the grams are falling off, leaving him leaner and meaner with the stamina of a 60 year old as his consistent 19 points out and 19 points back demonstrated. Talking after his round he said "I didn't believe my new regime would have immediate results but the scorecard doesn't lie, I've bought a tracksuit and doing regular exercise, it was time to weigh myself yesterday so I was nervous, I had a quick double Tommy tank and a massive dump before stepping on the scales with trepidation, when I realised I'd lost 1kg I was over the moon, the hard work is paying off, I immediately went up the Rosie to celebrate and seven hours later I went home to get some well earned rest as all finely tuned athletes need to. I'm now seeing my exercise regime and playing golf twice a week paying dividends, I was great, I feel I'm now really great and will get greater". 

The worm turned for Tonto

After a disappointing front nine where Tonto spent more time in the trees than Tarzan, Ash came up with cunning plan to help his opponent out, on the 11th Tee he sneakily put a worm on Tonto's shoe, unable to contain his laughter Ash gave it away and Tonto glanced down and just said you c*nt and went on to turn his unimpressive 12 points into a finishing score of 30 points. A delighted Tonto thanked Ash for his help and has now pledged to always place a worm on his shoe and carry a maggot in his pants to improve his game.  

Special Bandit Discount - 10% off a tracksuit! 

Join the Bernie fitness craze by wearing this trendy tracksuit similar to Bernies, just enter the promotional code IWANTABODYLIKEBERNIE at checkout to secure your exclusive Bandits discount. 

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Other News..

Count Sudo of Monte Christie 

The news that the count will now only drink chilled champagne came as no surprise to a lot of us Bandits as we knew his sophistication and breeding would eventually come to the fore. It did come as a shock to some other Wrag members when he demanded champagne following Manchester United's narrow defeat against fierce local rivals Manchester City. The Count said "We'd have taken 3-1 loss at the start, it was a good result, we could have parked the bus but no, Mourinho got it spot on, I love that man, he's done so much for us and I for one wanted to celebrate. Unfortunately there was an issue with some glasses but that'll blow over and I'm sure that Wrag will have good quality reasonably priced champers on tap in the near future so I can toast all the future losses that the Magic Man Mourinho is so good at delivering"

So we now know the Count's love of Champagne but can you guess which bottles he's bigger than and which are bigger than him? - Just click on the Quiz Result tab to see!

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Jimmers got a new washing machine!

Bandits own crime fighter and guardian of the peace Jimmer couldn't make golf today as he had to wait in for the delivery of a new washing machine. An excited Jim told me "I can't wait, the new washing machine will be great, it's got so many programs and I'm really looking forward to using the rapid wash with the 1500rpm spin, if its as good as they say then I'll be able to wash my socks and pants in super quick time and they should nearly be dry when I put them in the dryer, I reckon this will save me at least an hour which will mean I can get up the pub earlier and drink more lager! It also has a really hot wash for those stubborn stains that I know will get a lot of use in the Mitchell household! I just hope it's delivered early so I can read the manual from cover to cover and start the first cycle!"

If you'd like more information about washing machines - Google

"Information about washing machines"

Saturday 24h November 2018

Bish Bash Ash takes the cash 

On a grey Wrag day with a bumper 16 turnout, the Belgium sausage master showed that following the Bernie fitness regime really does pay off as he claimed the bumper £16 first prize along with a nearest the pin on third. An impressive total of 37 points including two birdies was enough to beat Youngy with 36 points into second place, Ian was in contention to take the spoils until he decided to wash his ball in the pond on the18th from the tee. A delighted Ash said "Bernie showed me the early draft his new book 'slimming and winning and being smug' and chapter two 'pre match preparation' resonated with me, so I followed it to the letter, go to the pub by 16:00 the day before and keep drinking to the day of the game, which I did and although I felt a little rough this morning I was confident my preparation was spot on and although I was worried around the 11th that I'd started sobering up I kept strong and managed to get over line. I was lucky to be playing with Youngy, after we'd smashed Broomer and Handbag 7 and 6 he gave me a good game all the way to the 18th, while those other two hacked around like a pair of baps lacking in sausage"

For the record Roser got nearest the pin on the 12th and Handbag the 16th.   

 

Ivor's new bus route - Have your say 

After PA Pat's late call for a lift this morning to the Saracens Former club captain (2013) Ivor is considering a money making venture by offering a service with his fun bus picking up Bandits who have left their car at the pub or just forgotten where it is. If you're interested please contact Ivor direct. 

 

 

A word (or two)from our president elect Griff  

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Shot Vic!

Other News..

Following Champagne gate it was good to see the Count resolute and defiant this morning. 

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All the best Tonto

Tonto goes under the knife for his knee replacement on Monday and we wish him all the best and a speedy recovery and look forward to his return. At his pre op consultation with his surgeon in the week he asked how long after the operation will it be before he can play golf, to which the surgeon said "you've had 60+ years and not managed I don't see a knee operation making any difference" to which Tonto replied "you c*nt"

Saturday 8th December 

Broooooooooomer!

It's a clean sweep

(see what I did there)

Christmas Bandits... its the day we all count down to, only so many sleeps, and when we get the shi£ey c*nty fuc% text from the President elect we run down the stairs, open the curtains saying has he been, has he been before realising we're not a 5 year old kid, but it always feels Christmas has come early on Christmas Bandits day... we're on the lash all day and playing golf what could possibly go wrong?.. And thats how it starts. So this year for Griff it started at 7am, for the majority of us it was between 8 and 9 with a great turnout of 24 finely tuned athletes, a full english and various beverages from coffee to guinness to port or all of the above prior to teeing off we were ready to go. The weather was rough, wind, rain, sun then more rain, in the clubhouse before the start it was felt by all that the winner today would truly be a supreme golfer of class and great talent, the undisputed Christmas Bandit...

So after 18 gruelling holes it transpired that Broomer of all people won the coveted Christmas Bandits trophy with an astonishing 38 points beating Tom with 36 points into second place and Youngy in third with 35. A surprised Broomer said "it was tough out there with the wind the rain and playing with Roser, but I stuck to the task in hand and for some weird reason I was hitting the ball straight, I didn't even know I had that shot in the locker! I played steady especially the par three's, with £10 at stake for the par 3 trophy only a fool wouldn't take it seriously. I've been lucky enough to get an autographed early edition of Bernies new book 'slimming and winning and being smug' and chapter 3 'On the day, prior to play' it says if you're not still pissed from the night before drink at least 3 pints to calm the nerves before going out, which although's a bit alien to me I did and the rest as they say is history as I take my place in the Bandits Hall of fame" Broomer also took home the par 3 trophy with an incredible 11 points beating Bernie on count back a delighted Broomer said "I built my round on the par 3's, in my mind it was never in doubt although I hear Bernies bleating on about having some sort of claim to the title, but I was awarded the trophy by the most honest and reputable man in the Bandits, Nice guy Gerry, so that's good enough for me" Bernie said "fair play to Broomer he probably deserved it, but I'm Bernard Harrington don't you know, I've got my reputation to think of, so I'll see him and Nice guy in court" 

Broomer was also in the winning 4 ball team along with Roser, Vic and President elect Griff, scoring 36 points in the yellow ball challenge, spokesman for the team Broomer said "when I saw the draw I thought we had a chance as long as Roser had taken his valium and Vic his cod liver oil tablets, but when I saw Griff on his third port at 8am I knew he like me had read Bernies book so I knew we had a great chance and despite Vic blobbing the 15th we steered the yellow ball round the course like four old pro's, it was sad seeing Scott top his teams yellow ball into the pond on the 5th and we didn't mean to cheer that loud from the 6th tee, but hey ho he'll get over it (only if we don't keep mentioning it every time we see him, so you all know what you need to do)" 

Other winners on the day was Roser for nearest the pin on the 5th, Kieran got the 12th and Ash the 16th, soz but I've forgotten who got the 3rd and NTP in two on the 18th, but its all about me anyway, so whatever. 

The prestigious toilet seat went to Colin Hornsby who fourteen years after his last Christmas Bandits scored an appropriate 14 points.

Reflecting on the day, man of the moment Broomer said "it's been a fantastic day, Nice guy did a great job organising it, everybody had a great time, beer, golf,curry and more beer is a great format and we all thank Gerry for the day. But I'm sure everyone will agree its the Bandits who make the day, from Ivor sorting out the betting, Handbag printing the betting chart thing, Tonto popping in following his knee op and everybody just having fun, a laugh, win or lose we're on the booze no prima donna's and great great comradely, I love it!"

President elect joins the exclusive Eagle club

President elect Griff scored an amazing 2 on the 7th sinking his165 (ish) yard second shot, an impressed Broomer said "it was a great shot, pitching just before the green and rolling towards the hole like it was on a piece of string, hopefully now Griff and Newwy can bore each other talking about eagles and not involve us lesser mortals" 

 

 

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Saturday 5th January 

Happy New Year - Ash does it again!

The Belgium Sausage that is Ash showed that all the practicing and effort he put in over the Christmas period pays dividends. While those of us not so dedicated visited relatives, ate too much and certainly drank too much over the holidays, the dedicated golf athlete was out on the course every day practicing practicing practicing (or was it drinking hitting a few golf balls and drinking, drinking, drinking?) but whatever he did it worked as he smashed an impressive 39 points in this mornings stableford medal on a chilly morning at Wrag. He also managed a two on the 12th so it could be a bumper payday for the big man! Speaking after his round Ash said "I've been building up to peak in 2019 and it's starting to pay off already, watch out cos Ash is about and going to take your money!" Unfortunately for Ash as we forgot to say anything about making it a bandits comp on the tee so he didn't take any of our money... but watch out, Ash is about! Other scores from the day was a 34 from Nice guy including a bounce off the ice to the green on the 5th, 32 for Newwy and Broomer, 31 for Griff and (i think apologies if i'm wrong) 28 for Bernie and Kieran. Newwy got a 2 on the 16th and Griff bleated on about his eagle at Xmas Bandits whenever he could. Former Wrag Barn captain (2013) Ivor elected to play with his roll up mates so was out later and at time of going to press his score is unknown but we all hope he had a good one! 

Other new's you may have missed over the festive period...

President elect Griff is now officially living with his future fiancee, a smitten Griff said "it made so much sense, now we can be together 24x7, her soft furnishings compliment my own and she has so many scented candles,we will have soooo much fun choosing which to light each night, I feel so warm and fluffy"

Tom Green wins Griffs Bottle Bash... despite waiting for a full report from any roaming reporters out there (lazy c*nts), nothing turned up so here are the highlights that I've picked up through the grapevine. Tom won with 40 points, Ash came second with a "scabby" 39 (his words not mine), loads of alcohol was drunk after the event and Tom capped the evening off by losing at spoof and having to buy a round of either port or a mini guinness which comprised of Tia Maria and Baileys (FFS man up!!)

Breaking News - Mr Smug DID win Xmas par 3 trophy

Following long debate and legal challenges the R&A have ruled that Bernie is the winner of the Xmas Bandits par 3 accumulator trophy beating Broomer on count back having parred the 5th, 12th and 16th with a bogey on the 3rd and Broomer paring the 3rd, 12th and 16th with a bogey on the 5th. On hearing the news an over smug Bernie pumped his chest out and said "I said on the day I was the par 3 king and now justice has been done, this is a great start to 2019, and i'll use it as a springboard for further victories in the coming year" A magnanimous Broomer said "Obviously I'm disappointed but as the saying goes rools is rools and I'm glad we got it sorted... just in time in my case as I was about to get a Thomas Bjorn style tattoo on my arse to commemorate the par 3 victory when I got the call, can you imagine the embarrassment if I had?!! As I already had my trousers down, thong on and had signed the credit agreement to enable me to have a classy tattoo like Nice guy's I decided to commemorate my Xmas Bandits winning day with a tat dedicated to the captain of our 4 ball on the day who inspired me to greatness and led the team to a stunning victory - I owe it all to Roser"

 

 

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Broomer showing off his tattoo in appreciation of Captain Roser

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The par 3 accumulator is returned to the rightful owner

Saturday 19th January 

Count back win for Broomer 

On a damp, cold, winters morning nine brave souls took up the challenge, it should have been ten, but despite being in the clubhouse to book at 6:45 the early morning drizzle proved too much for one of our bunch as Roser (who wears waterproofs all year round) decided the moisture content in the air was just too much so went home for a tommy tank, leaving the hardy nine to battle it out to see who would be the supreme moist weather golfer of 2019. And after 18 of the most challenging moist holes any of us have experienced this year it was Broomer who pipped Newwy on count back both scoring 36 points but Newwy's impressive 22 points on the front nine meant his 14 on the back cost him as Broomer had a back nine of 20. A damp Newwy said "I went for it, every hole, but I blew it on the back nine, hey ho thats life, have I told you about the eagle I had at The Kendleshire?" A delighted Broomer said "When I heard that former club captain (2013) Ivor and the Belgium Sausage were hob knobbing with the Wrag elite at Frilford, Nice Guy was still recovering from surgery and the President elect being on a honeymoon rehearsal in Florida it was anyones to win today and when the powder puff Roser pulled out at the last minute (not for the first time I'm told) I knew I had a chance, but being out first it was a tense wait in the clubhouse and when news came through it was a par par birdie birdie start for Newwy I thought my goose was cooked, but I was chuffed to bits when I realised the hard work I put in on the back nine had paid off, and to get my first victory of 2019 must set the alarm bells ringing for the other bandits who know they need to practice as hard as me if they want a look in this year" Despite the weather 8 out of the 9 playing today managed to score 30 or above, the only exception was the bandits own Jane Fonda AKA Mr Smug with a disappointing 24 points. A distraught Bernie said "I think I've been overdoing the exercise regime, but no pain no gain and I've lost another 3 ounces this week so all worthwhile but it is impacting my glucose levels and reacting with my lager levels which means I'm a bit tired and with 6 blobs today I may have to drink more wine to ensure I get my five a day" For the record Nice Guy got nearest the pin on the third and Wakes got the 12th and 16th.

Breaking News - Roser went home to fix his dash cam

It transpires that Roser annoyed with all the bad drivers he see's on his daily commute left Wrag early to sort out his dash cam but as he'd ordered a web cam by mistake had some DIY techie stuff to do to get it working. An exhausted Roser said this evening "I felt such a fool buying a web cam instead of a dash cam, but I was determined to get it working to catch all those cu*ts that cut me up on the way to Stroud every day. Firstly I gaffer taped my old PC to the dashboard to get the web cam going, that worked fine until I got 25 meters away from the house and the extension lead came out, but I wasn't going to let that put me off, so I borrowed a laptop and gaffer taped it to the steering wheel and bobs your knob, and as I can't fully see out of the windscreen or steer that well anymore I'm sure I'll capture some good footage soon" 

 

 

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Saturday 9th February 

No meddling - Newwy takes the cash

The conditions were bad, hurricane Eric had wreaked havoc (there were at least 4 extra twigs on the fairway on each hole), the wind was strong, but 5 true, hardy bandits still made it out this morning despite the medal being canned and only 15 holes open, the hardy 5 playing in an Ivor (former captain 2013) inspired 5 ball showed the course that the bandits are no pussy's and would play in the most challenging of conditions (or at least 5 would). So it transpired that Newwy was the top Bandit with an impressive 27 points from the 15 holes in play, with Broomer coming a closeish second with 25, Ivor (former captain 2013) 23, Ash 22 and Dave coming up the rear with 13 points. A windswept Newwy said "It was a tough days golf, and I'm over the moon picking up the spoils today, you had to keep you wits about you and as I was playing with 4 fuck wits they were about me." A disappointed Ash said "I can't remember much about yesterday evening or if I fell over or not but I'm fairly sure I didn't do my normal warm down routine before I went to bed and maybe thats the reason why I didn't win today, or it may be because I was hanging like the proverbial c*nt" For the record Ivor (former captain 2013) got nearest the pin on the 3rd, 12th and NTP in two in the 13th. The other four Bandits were unanimous in their praise calling him a spawny cu*t and suggesting he plays with his rollup mates in the future. 

Breaking News - Faster play the Whinney way 

Ivor Whinney (former captain 2013) could have come up with an amazing way of revolutionising golf and speeding up the game for all. Playing in his newly adopted 5 ball format Ivor introduced his new ready golf plan to the four other Bandits today. It basically means that as long as your name is Ivor you can play any ball you want at any time, today he demonstrated the format on the 2nd, hitting an OK shot onto the green he decided to putt the ball nearest the hole which although wasn't his, meant that the game kept flowing and the course didn't back up behind the five ball. Explaining his new format after the round Ivor said "They laughed at Abdul Stabelford when he came up with a points per hole format rather than straight stroke play and look where we are now, everybody uses that format and its a great way to play as well as speeding things up, so my Whinney ready golf just evolves the game to the next level -  play the ball closest to you or the one you think will give you best opportunity to score the bigger points tally, everyones happy and the game keeps flowing. I've contacted the R&A and intend patenting the format so I will get loads of money too" We contacted the R&A and a spokesman said "He really is a total cun*" 

 

 

Saturday 23rd February 

WTF - Duncan makes it 2 in 2

Duncan Case the man who should put the Ban in Bandit took a guest spot for the second time in 6 months and like last time just spanked the rest of us and took the spoils with a very impressive 39 points, the only good news for the other bandits is he beat his sponsor Sausage Man Ash into second place who scored a creditable 37 points, and as none of the 11 playing today managed to hit the very tricky 3rd green, Youngy took third place with 36 points. A jubilant Duncan said following his victory "Its been a long month and I've been spending too much time with Ash drinking in the Roser so I was getting low on cash so I thought how can I make some easy money and obviously I thought of the Bandits Saturday fun days as a potential source for a few beers and bobs your knob as they say the rest is history"  A slightly disappointed Ash said "Coming second isn't the end of the world but obviously if I knew Duncan would pip me at the post I wouldn't have invited him, still i'm sure he'll share the spoils and there will be at least a pint in it for me" at that point I thought the interview was over but Ash continued "Have I told you about my eagle at the sixth, drive, 6 iron and single put, won the hole as Duncan could only get a birdie - who's the daddy" So another Saturday and another eagle, the Bandits really must be the best golfing gang in the world... or not discuss. For the record Ash and Bernie took NTP on the 12th and 16th but I can't remember who got which as my ears were still bleeding after listening to Ash about his eagle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Other News - Bernie does his annual booking (although I think he missed last year) 

Fitness Guru and team player Captain Smug, Bernie took one for the team (or at least Ivor who struggled to get out of bed this morning) as he made it to the club house and through the gathered press pack to book for two weeks time. It was like he'd never been away as he strode up to the counter and got tee times 8:12, 20 and 28. Following the annual event Bernie said "I really enjoyed it, I was going to come up yesterday until I realised what day it was but now I've done it I hope the piss taking will die down a bit, I may do it again this year but as you know I'm now a finely tuned athlete so need my full 6 hours sleep and I don't normally get back from the pub till 2am, so it may take a while"

 

 

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Todays Winner Duncan looking suitably smug

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Todays main booker Bernie looking suitably smug

Bandits President elect looking pretty in pink

Griff turned up this morning obviously in touch with his feminine side dressed in pink shorts and top, the great man said "it's well know that since I got engaged I've revealed my softer side with my love of scented candles and pot pourri so when I saw this little number in the Freemans catalogue I had to have it, and I look good and I will continue to embrace my female side as its so much fun"

President elect Griff looking suitably pink 

Other News ... Newwy won again last week!

Due to Broomer being useless at DIY there was no update last week, but for those who don't know Newwy stuffed the field with a massive 40 points beating former club captain (2013)Ivor who came 2nd on count back with 38 points. A happy Newwy said "I was inspired by the WhatsApps Bernie had been sending through the week, the thought of them spurred me on to victory and frankly I'm over the moon"

Ivor in advertising campaign for Guinness

Former Wrag captain (2013) Ivor has come up with the perfect slogan for Guinness his "Guinness - you can drink it" slogan looks like making the mild mannered ex captain a small fortune as he's being courted by Satchi and Satchi and the WPP group who are both after the copyright. 

Silver Fox Youngy shows his generosity 

During todays round Youngy told Broomer and Nice Guy that he was going to send his wife and daughter on a Spa day so he can play in the medal next week, showing great respect and admiration for such a nice gesture we asked where was he going to send them "Up the Shell garage, its a Spar day not Spa day, I'll give them a tenner and say fill your boots, it'll make a nice change for them as they usually go to B&M bargains for the shopping and I'll get to play in the medal" What a nice gesture and what a smoothie that man is!.

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Saturday 9th March 

Newwy pips Nice Guy in thrilling finish

The lean mean eagle machine Newwy with 38 points beat Nice Guy Gerry into second place by one point, a stunning 22 points on the back nine meant Nice Guy and Newwy were tied on the 18th tee, Gerry hit a decent drive and second shot to the light rough at the back of green, Newwy hit a big drive slightly right and was fortunate that the ball bounced onto the edge of the fairway off a tree, he then decided to thin his second shot to within two feet of the hole, Gerry's chip from the rough had the finesse of hippopotamus on roller skates and went 15 foot past the hole, Newwy got his birdie but Nice Guy could only get a five and Newwy took the spoils. An exstatic Newwy said after his round "I'm over the moon, Gerry was my partner today and after I bollocked him for fannying about on the 10th he was like a man possessed and I just couldn't shake him off, I knew I'd need to birdie the last and thats just what I did, but I am that good!" A slightly disappointed Nice Guy said "I got myself back into the mix but just fell short at the end, I'd done the hard work with my second shot on the 18th then the nerves hit me and I was a little heavy handed on the chip, still I'm happy with second place, and with my nearest the pin on the 12th means £14, so it'll be prosecco and crisps for tea" For the record Vic got NTP on the 3rd with Count Sudo getting the 16th. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Other News...

Broomer starts practicing for the Ash Bash 

Everyones favourite Bandit Broomer, thought he'd get some practice in today for Ash's birthday bash being held in a couple of weeks at Wychwood. Rather than going for the green on the 3rd he decided to go for the fir tree on the left of the green and hit the perfect shot leaving his ball right in the middle of it, the intrepid golfer went in with his putter to get the ball out and onto the green, following an air shot in the tree he then hit the perfect putt out which hit his bag and bounced back under another tree, a subtle chip to the edge of the green was followed by a poor putt and blobs your knob, following his round he said "There are 144 different species of tree at Wychwood so I'll probably be in a few of them when we play so it was the perfect opportunity to get some practice in, snooze and you lose as they say - bring it on!"

Breaking News...

Super Saints stun Spurs to storm up the league

Following last weeks disappointing refereeing decisions at Old Trafford which cost them all 3 points the Saints went marching in today stuffing Tottenham 2-1. The only down side was Ward-Prowse scored again so he'll definitely be off to Liverpool in the summer.

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Saturday 16h March 

Inspector Gadget beats the Ginger beardy

The writing was on the wall for the other Bandits when they heard that Duncan was playing, the initial thoughts were we should just give him the money now and it'll save us getting blown away out there, but they decided to play and 10 intrepid golfers braved a very windy Wrag to see if they could beat Duncan, a feat that hasn't happened in his last two outings, and guess what they couldn't! With an impressive 37 points in the tough conditions he beat Tom Green with 36 points into second place, Tom sporting a ginger beard grown specially for the occasion was pleased with his round but felt his putting and short game let him down speaking afterwards Tom said "I was pleased with my round but I felt my putting and short game let me down". The winner Duncan exclaimed "I was worried when I saw Tom sporting such a fine beard, I knew he meant business, it's getting a little harder each time I play with the Bandits, but at the end of the day it's still easy beer money for me, and getting a nearest the pin on the third means another bumper payout and more profits for the Rosey" For the record Tom got NTP on the 12th and Bernie nearly aced the 16th to get NTP (he still missed his birdie putt though).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A delighted Duncan waiting outside the gents

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A hirsute Tom Green

Other news...

The Counts lunch is a big as him!

When Gary ordered a burger for lunch he hadn't imagined he'd need a step ladder to eat it, the monster burger was nearly as big as him, but Gary always up for a challenge firstly removed the onion rings from the burger and sat on them to reduce the size of the burger and to boost his height at the table, he then removed the salad which just left him the chips and burger and the battle commenced, to which there was only going to be one winner!

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First trip of 2019 for Ivor's bus tours 

Ivors buses ran its first trip of 2019 taking some of the Bandits to Supermarine to watch the climax of the six nations rugby (or anti climax some may say). An excited Nice Guy said "I'm so glad that Ivor's bus tours are honouring my bus pass, it makes all the difference for us pensioners don't you know" The day was similar to an Enid Blyton tale except the ginger beer was replaced with lager and port. Although the editor hasn't heard any stories of the day I'm sure they all had a spiffingly good day out despite the inability of the Irish to play any rugby at all and the English playing god knows what in the second half. Still I'm sure there was plenty of jolly banter with the count following the Wolves Man Utd game.

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Who's driving the bus Ivor!!!!!

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Nice Guy making the most of his bus pass, a nice change from the mobility scooter 

And finally...

Eagle Man and President elect storm into the final

Newwy and Griff won their semi final to make it into the Winter pairs final. A delighted Newwy said "I'm over the moon, we know that after the disappointment of Nice Guy's and Bernies great efforts but ultimate failure in lasts year whatever cup thingy final we had to do something to lift the spirits of the other bandits and hopefully this time we'll go one better.

Good luck boys!!! 

Friday 22nd March 

Happy Birthday Ash!!

A quick Google shows it was a quiet news day on Saturday 22nd March 1969, number one in the charts was Peter Sarstedt with Where do you go to my lovely, the early evening BBC TV programs on the day was

17:15 Dr. Who: The Space Pirates: Part 3

17.40 The News and The Weather Man

17:50 Tom and Jerry

18:00 Here’s Lucy

18:25 Lulu

19:00 Dads Army

19:30 The Rolf Harris Show - (which all the children stayed up for)

But obviously the biggest event of that day was Ash Green AKA Mr Sausage, Mr Belgium, the Belgium Sausage and as I found out last night Papa Bear, was born and 50 years later 35 of his golfing chums joined him for a great days golf at The Wychwood, which by the way is an arboretum and has 144 different types of tree, which judging by the scores some of us saw more of than others. Ash's team won the team event and Ash won the NTP on the 6th, it really was a special day for the big man. The course played well, AJ scored an impressive 38 points and Roser got the NTP on the 15th. After the golf the ham egg and chips went down well with a beer or two, Newwy and the Count nearly missed it (the Count dropped the soap in the shower and the rest is history), then we headed back to the Rosey for the proper celebrations to start. The birthday boy's glass was never empty with pint after pint of Sea Fury being quaffed, he spent all night grinning like a big grinny thing, an emotional Ash said "I'm totally humbled by the day, its been very humbling having so many of my friends here, we had a great days golf and I felt humbled with the turnout, I couldn't be more humble if I tried, and with my favourite band Right Said Fred turning up to wish me happy birthday, it's been a fantastic day!" Which we all agreed with and we thank Ash for organising such a great day and look forward to the next 50 years!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Right Said Fred

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Saturday 13th April 

Eagle Man does it again in the best possible way!

The lean mean golfing machine Eagle Man Newwy stuffed the field today with an amazing 42 points on a glorious spring day at Wrag, but not only that!! His perfect 9 iron tee shot on the 16th bounced once and went straight into the hole for a fabulous hole in one and another eagle to add to the great mans list. Although it meant that that he had to buy everyone a pint and change Tonto's £10 for two fivers he couldn't hide his immense joy at such a great round, he said "I'm over the moon, I knew with Duncan playing I'd need to play the perfect round if I wanted to win, it wasn't quite the perfect round but pretty close, I left a few shots out there, only scoring single points on 17 and 18 where I went out of bounds with my drive but still managed a 5 meant I could have scored more but the adrenaline was still pumping following my ace so its understandable, and I'll be up the Rosie later to celebrate" Playing partner President elect Griff said "The man was on fire, I was always ready to step up if he faltered and the half I secured on the 14th was probably the highlight of the whole day for us - yes his hole in one was good but I'd like to think that it was me on the 14th that set him up for such achievement"

Future Wrag captain Sausage Man Ash who was playing in the same 4 ball and came second with 36 points said "I was humbled playing with Newwy today, it was a humbling experience and a round I'll never forget, I'm humbled, really humbled" 

For the record Griff got NTP on the 3rd, Ivor on 12th and obviously Newwy on the 16th. Also for the record Handbag following his success in the Cyprus open scored 5 on the front nine and 10 on the back, also for the record Broomer had 10 points after 4 holes and 12 after 8! 

The legend that is Newwy after his round today

 

Other News...

Tonto trains to be an arboriculturist and looks for his pussy

Tonto who's looking at a career change took every opportunity to study the trees at Wrag today, whether they were on the left or right side of the fairway Tonto went for them and hit them with astonishing accuracy. Talking after his round an emotional Tonto said "I've always wanted to be arboriculturist so being in the tress didn't bother me, but I was also looking for Cu*tie my beloved cat who went missing earlier this week, I'd hoped he was making his way back to Highworth so I had to look for him, but alas no joy today but I'll continue looking for the little scamp, I'm so lonely without him and there's now no-one to lick the cream off my balls" 

Please call 07712 599550 if you see Cu*tie, there a reward of £17.68 for any information that leads to the recovery of Cu*tie. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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An emotional Tonto pleading for the safe return of Cu*tie

Ivor adds another string to his bow

Former club caption (2013) Ivor Whinney is also looking at diversifying his trades coupling his Transparent Wall Maintenance Engineering work, with a retirement planning and pension advice service for the people of Highworth and beyond. In an interview with Retirement Finance Today the former captain said "with my skills of being able to multiply the number of weeks by any amount you care to mention and explain it in simple terms that anyone can understand means that I'm a natural and I'm sure I can make my new venture work"

If you want Pension and retirement advice please call 07712 599550.

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Ivor being Ivor 

Saturday 20th April 

Phew what a scorcher - battle of the titans!

Bandits president elect Griff arranged the first major of the season, provided the traditional port on the first tee, traditionally spilt it down the front of his white shirt before battle commenced, and what a battle for the St Georges cup it turned out to be between two big hitters Nick Floyd and PA Pat both hitting a very creditable 38 points and Former captain (2013) Ivor coming up behind (not for the first time) with 37 points on a glorious day at Wrag. Sixteen of the finest golfers competed for the title but in the end it came down to count back which caused a bit of a conundrum as Big Nick took first place and the cash prize, but not being an affiliated fully paid up member of the Bandits was unable to claim the prestigious St Georges cup as per Bandits constitution rule 9837 sub section 18 paragraph 42 where it says "If you are not an affiliated fully paid up member of the Bandits you can win the money but you can't claim the prestigious St Georges cup" So its PA Pat who has the honour of getting the cup engraved and who will hold the prestigious St Georges cup for the next 12 months. A happy Nick said "I'm delighted with my performance today, I hit the ball hard and long and had I putted better I'd have been looking at 40+ points, not bad for a 9 handicapper. I'm slightly disappointed I didn't get the cup but rules are rules so I fully understand and I've had my application to become a bandit filled in and ready to post for some weeks but not got round to it, I feel so foolish! But on the bright side I won't have to clean it or get it engraved so over all it's all turned out for the best" First loser PA Pat said "I'm ecstatic to have won the prestigious St Georges Cup and will polish it every week, obviously I would have liked to have come first today but Nick scoring 38 off his handicap of 9 was some achievement and I salute the big fella. In years to come it'll still be my name on the cup and it won't say first loser it will say PA Pat winner of the prestigious St Georges Cup 2019!" For the record NTP's were AJ on the third, someone else on the 12th and Nick on the 16th. If you can remember who got NTP on the 12th please call 07712 599550. 

Pictures from the Prestigious St Georges Cup

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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President Elect with his national flag and port stain

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The Sausage Man with his national flag, looking very pleased with himself

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Tonto at the front of the punch Ivor queue 

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Vic waiting patiently in the queue for his turn

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Our winner Nick wondering what the f*ck Handbags wearing... welcome to our world Nick!

Our winner Nick looking more relaxed 

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Saturday 18th May

Give someone else a chance! - Newwy wins again

In perfect golfing conditions the lean mean golfing machine Newwy scored a sublime 39 points to take the cash with PA Pat coming second with an impressive 38 points. Seven of the nine Bandits taking part scored in the 30's the exceptions being Broomer with a poor 28 points and Ash with 27 taking up the rear. A happy Newwy said after his round "I'm over the moon with the way I played today, it was a great day for golf and at times I played great golf, I left a few out there but I feel I'm peaking for the next major at Wychwood so watch out Mother F*ckers". PA Pat who was the first loser again this week said "I thought 38 may not have been enough on such a good golfing day but I feel I'm going in the right direction and I'll be peaking for Wychwood a course I scored 50 points on don't you know - so watch out Mother F*ckers" A despondent Ash said "Nobody likes taking up the rear but I guess it was my turn, I'm slicing like a c*nt off the tee but I'm sure I'll have it sorted by Wychwood so watch out Mother F*ckers". (You couldn't make this stuff up!)

For the record Dave got NTP on the 3rd, Nice Guy nearly holed his tee shot on the 12th (but didn't) but got NTP and AJ on the 16th. 

If you have any questions on the above please call 07712 599550. 

Other News 

Is President Elect about to name the day?

Notable by his absence Bandits President elect was away this weekend and the rumour mill seems to suggest he's finalising his wedding venue and will be sharing the date very soon. Sending his confidant various photo's eluding to the planning of the big day from Ireland a secret source managed to exploit a vulnerability in the confidant's mobile phone which we are now luckily able to exclusively share with our readers. (If you want to remediate the vulnerability on your phone then when Broomer asks you send you some confidential photos just say no!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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President Elect trying on a special veil in preparation for the big day just look at the sparkle in his eyes 

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The happy couple outside the St Griff chapel rumoured to be venue

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We do, or "I do" Griff was seen entering this classy jewellers while on holiday

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I caught up with Sean but he is sworn to secrecy - I did however get a nice driving licence photo (although why I want a photo of my driving licence I'll never know!)

Friday 31st May 

Postman Pat delivers the goods!

Like Amazon Prime on steroids PA Pat (AKA Postman Pat for this headline) scored a stunning 44 points at The Wychwood to add the Summer Trophy to his St Georges cup success last month. With a massive turnout of 20 Bandits all resplendent in their new red Bandits shirts we all knew that it would take something special to win the superbly organised Jim Mitchell event. And cometh the hour cometh the man, playing one his favourite courses Pat did the business (he did get a warning from a greenskeeper for that) and won by a clear 7 points from Count Sudo in second place with 37, following his round an emotional Pat said "I love Wychwood I scored 50 points here once don't you know! But I'm more than happy with 44 today, I played steady, the fairways enabled me to get under the ball (whatever that means!) and I drove and putted well, I only wish I could do that in a medal at Wrag so I could get my handicap down, but I guess being a Bandit means a handicap of 14 is right at the moment, I'm now going to bathe my liver in Stowford Press and look forward to the next Bandits major at the Kendleshire as I go all out for the grand slam". A Happy first Loser Count Sudo said following his round "Fair play and well done to Pat, I was happy with my 37 points, I changed my pre round routine slightly and mixed some viagra and chilli sauce in with the SudoCream to see if it would make a difference, it certainly meant I had to change my stance and at times I didn't know if I was coming or going but it made me concentrate on the shots more and the scorecard doesn't lie". For the record PA Pat got nearest the pin on the 3rd, former club captain (2013) Ivor for the 6th and gavin got 15th. Tonto got a rubber duck and Bernie got a book. 

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PA Pat getting the trophy and both him and Jim checking the Auto Q for Pat's memorable winners speech

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The duck is thinking I've laid one mother fu*king ugly egg

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A very tall Count Sudo getting his first losers envelope dressed in a night shirt for some reason 

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Our organiser Jim relaxing with a pint after organising such a great day 

Saturday 15th June

Top o' the mornin' - Kieran takes the Spondoolicks

On a fierce windy morning we all knew it was anybodies day today as the biggest Bandity Bandits PA Pat and Duncan were absent from the mix, and the man who stood up and faced the challenge head on was Kieran who won the day with a very impressive back nine of 20 points to give him a total score of 35 points, pushing Newwy with 34 points into second spot (Broomer also had 34 points but was robbed on count back). Starting the round with a right handed gardening glove to protect a burn on his hand he got while cooking cup cakes for the homeless in Farringdon, a delighted Kieren paused his victory jig to say "Oh begorah what a day it is to be sure, feck, I chanced me arm by using the driver and it paid dividends diddly dee, to be sure playing with Broomer and Handbag there was always going to be a bit of shenanigans but we had the craic and it was nip and tuck between me and Broomer with Handbag taking up the rear, but to be sure, I stayed stuck in and I was too much in the end for yer man Broomer who fell away under the pressure to be sure, begorah. Oim now going to have several pints of Gat to be sure to celebrate" 

For the record Bernie got NTP on the 3rd, Broomer the 12th and Tonto the 16th. 

If you've been affected by the stereotypically Irishness of this report please call 07712 599550

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The duck is still thinking I've laid one mother fu*king ugly egg

Friday 5th July

PAtsy Pat makes it 3 in a row!

Following his near death experience our own Brave Little Soldier PAtsy Pat took his third Bandits Major of 2019 winning the Jolly Boys at the Kendleshire to add to his St Georges Cup and Summer Trophy triumphs. Still playing off his ludicrously high 14 handicap the no shame big hitter battled through the pain following his horrendous splinter injury to score a massive 40 points, beating President Elect Griff with 37 points into second place with Kieran on 34 points in third. Taking up the rear was Mr Smug himself with 22 points beaten into last by Broomer who thrashed him on count back. PAtsy Pat hit the ball long, straight and putted like a demon, it was clear that going against the doctors advice and playing was the right choice. Following his victory a brave PAtsy said "This win is for my spotty apprentice who stayed with me during my near death splinter experience and gave me words of encouragement throughout the ordeal, I knew I had to do it for him and despite my medical team having reservations about me going out without my chain mail gloves on I knew I had to do it, it was risky I know, there are a lot of tree's out there and those grasses can give nasty cuts, but fuck you David Bellamy I did it and now I have my eyes firmly set on Christmas Bandits and will be the first Bandit to hold all four majors in a calendar year" A slightly dejected Griff just said "C*nt" and Kieran looked up at the sky and had a beaming grin on his face for some while. 

The other massive news from the day was Youngy's perfect ace on the par 3 second hole to give him his second hole in one in his distinguished golfing life. The perfect tee shot ended up where it deserved to be as did the beers / ciders he bought the rest of us to celebrate the feat. For the record PAtys got nearest the pin on the 6th, Newwy the 11th (I think) and someone else got the 17th (thats the problem with writing this 6 days after the event!

The morning Texas scramble was won by Ivor, AJ, Ash and Handbag of all people. 

It was another great day organised by Newwy and we all thank him for that!!

Oh what fun we had!

Pictures of the day 

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An emotional moment as the Bandits show sympathy, solidarity and respect for the wounded little soldier PAtsy

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Bandits President Elect picking up second prize and admiring Newwys open toed sandals 

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Mr Ace - looking slightly like DownsEy's love child?

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Macca Praying that puddings coming soon

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Former Wrag Barn captain Ivor doing his elephant impression

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Our Champion PAtsy (don't worry he is wearing a safety harness standing on those steps and its a plastic replica of the trophy)

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Kieran having a moment of reflection, resting his smile  and thinking what might have been

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Mr Smug Bernie rewarded for all his contributions to the Whatsap group 

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Handbag looking very cool and Mr Ace looking more like Youngy again 

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PAtsy Pat being given a health and safety talk by Newwy before the presentation. "It's made of wood so done touch it without gloves, its got sharp corners so don't run with it and don't put it in your mouth or you may choke"

Saturday 27th July

Five get wet at Wrag - And Guess who won!

On a damp morning where the drizzle was constant, only five Bandits braved the English summer weather at Wrag, and as one of those was Duncan there was only ever going to be one winner. The Bandit that makes PAtsy Pat's handicap look legitimate playing off 17 (no that's not a typo) and playing with a slightly swollen right wrist (I don't know what he did but he's been away on his own recently so maybe it was a overuse?) our Inspector Gadget lookalike scored 13 points on the front nine but came back with a stunning 23 points (which by the way was the score that both Broomer and Tonto managed on all 18 holes) to score an impressive 36 points, beating Mr Sausage with 34 points into second place. Despite an error on the score card (Duncan had marked his score on the 10th as a 4 for 3 when it should have been a 5 for 3) after a lot of deliberation and quickly convened extra ordinary Bandits meeting between Ash and Ash it was decided the result should stand and Duncan took the spoils, despite lots of use of the C word directed at our bespectacled winner, a moist Duncan said "I played with a slightly swollen wrist today which is much worse than Patsy's splinter was but like him I battled through the pain to win, and I like playing off 17, I see nothing wrong with that and as I don't intend playing in any club comps soon get used to it, the rest of the Bandits just need to up their game if they want to beat me." A disappointed Ash said "I'm gutted I only came second, I only made three mistakes today, missing the green on the 17th, getting behind the bush on the 18th and picking up that Bandity Bandit c*nt Duncan this morning. Still next year I'll be Handicap Secretary so there will be changes ahead, mark my words changes ahead I tell you". For the record Duncan got NTP on the 3rd, nobody hit the 12th so Kieran took the money for third place (26 points) and Ash hit a lovely shot to take the money on the 16th. 

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Duncan's swollen wrist?? Makes Patsy's splinter look like a mere graze 

Other news...

Lots of Semi's coming up!!

All the investment that the Bandits have put into getting trophy's in the cabinet looks like it may finally be paying off, those long nights spent in the gym and days on the practice range are looking worth it as we now have the Green twins Tom and Ash and the Eagle boys Bandits President elect Griff and Newwy in the semi finals of 4BBB cup which if (when) they get through will give us the lip tingling all Bandits final. Also our own Mr Smug, Bernie got taken up the 18th but was victorious in his quarter final of the Hazel Rogers to give him a semi to look forward to. A proud President elect said "This is amazing, we've invested heavily in both time, money and alcohol to get to this stage and we are now seeing the fruits of our labour paying off, the dedication and determination is awesome and an all Bandits 4BBB final will be the icing on the cake following last years near miss by Nice Guy and Bernie. It's also so good to see Bernie bounce back after last years disappointment a Bandits double would be a massive achievement" A smug Bernie after his quarter final victory said "He took me up the 18th which was a bit uncomfortable but he couldn't keep it up and I got him, I am that good and I'm sure I'll now win the prestigious Hazel Rogers trophy"

Saturday 10th August

Count wins on Count Back!

On a day more suited to kite flying than golf 6 hardy Bandits took the windy challenge with 5 of them just trying to beat the Banditiest Bandit of them all - Duncan, who was trying to rob us all again for the umpteenth time! And cometh the hour cometh the man as our own pocket rocket Gary took the spoils beating Broomer into second place on count back (13 out 20 back versus 18 out 15 back), but more importantly Duncan didn't win. Four of the six managed to score an impressive 30+ points on such a windy day with just Mr Smug (23) and Mr Sausage (29) scoring less. A happy Count following his victory said "This one is for Boris Johnson, I needed to get this one over line like Boris will with Brexit on the 31st October, yes sure there was obstacles, but my focus maintained on delivering victory, just like Boris will, whether we need a back stop or butt plug we'll get there just like me today, focus on the goal, Boris once said My chances of being PM are about as good as the chances of finding Elvis on Mars, or my being reincarnated as an olive, and thats what they said about somebody beating Duncan but I did it, I did it I say I only went and fuc*ing did it!, this lady is not for turning, bring it on" For the record Bernie won NTP on the 3rd, Duncan the 12th (yes he still managed to rob us) and FFS nobody could hit the green on the 16th so third place went to... yep you guessed it cu*ting Duncan so he still managed to walk away with £6 what a cun*!!!

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Bernies second shot on the first, his tee shot didn't clear the ladies tee, his second shot only just made it!!!!

Not too much other news today, although if anyone knows what time the Rugby kicks off tomorrow please call 07712 599550

Saturday 17th August

The Count has a senior moment as Griff has a lie in!

We had a fine turnout on a pleasant Wrag day with 13 Bandits taking battle, just one noticeable absentee, our future President Elect Griff over slept! This is the man who fought for Queen and Country who can text sh*ty cu*nty fu*k at ridiculously early times, who will be up to book before the Wrag door is open, overslept my arse, on a promise we thinks or a nifty trip to a wedding fair... But anyway back to the golf and following his count back victory last week, the latest Bandit to join the Senior ranks, our own pocket rocket, Gary wearing a blue / pink combination that would have looked better on the set of Willy Wonka shot an amazing 41 points to take the kitty -  sorry about that tiddles we did try and hold him back, but I'm sure she'll get over it once she's licked her wounds and we've taken her to the vets. So what is it about joining the Seniors that brings out the best in our happy golfing senior Bandit members, we saw it with Nice Guy and Mr Smug -  Is joining the Seniors when the secret use of the leather wedge is revealed? What is that magic blue capsule they put in their Ovaltine before they tee off? Or is it as simple as they can no longer add up so make their score up as they go along, probably a bit of all three but fair play to whatever the secret is Gary's 41 points pushed Newwy with 40 points into 2nd place and former Wrag captain(2013) Ivor with 39 points in third, well played all 3! A delighted Gary said following his second victory in two weeks "Yeah baby I'm on fire, joining the seniors is a real eye opener and I've learnt so much, to be honest I've forgotten a lot of it, as you do, but obviously I've not forgotten how to win, it's all in the mind, mind over matter, and the special pants you get given before you start a round - oops I wasn't supposed to say that please don't let on or i'll be kicked out" A surprised and dejected Newwy said "I'm getting fed up with these oldies taking our money, they've had their turn, I fear for the future" For the record the Count got NTP on the 3rd, Newwy on the 12th and yes we've gone nearly all the way to the end without mentioning him but that c*nt Duncan hit a splendid shot to take the 16th.  

Other News... Again a quiet week (although I may forgotten a few nuggets doing this on a Monday) but former Wrag Barn captain (2013) Ivor is off to study wood, he told the gathered masses on Saturday "I'm off to study wood, I'm fascinated by it" 

If you have any Bandits news for the next edition please call 07712 599550

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Former Wag Captain (2013) Ivor

Monday 26thAugust

Three in a row - but shopping is no!

Another fine turnout for bank holiday Monday Banditry, the ten early starters tee'd off in a thick mist where it was tricky on the first tee to see if it was a white transit van on the faraway or Tonto looking for his ball, but the mist soon cleared and the brilliant sunshine made perfect conditions for golf... But there was one noticeable absentee, President Elect Griff made the bold decision to go shopping in Oxford on a Bank Holiday Monday rather than a late summer round at Wrag, and we all respect his choice, so lets hope he's bagged some bargains! So back to the golf and the Bandits own Ben Stokes, Gary Blue, the latest Bandit to join the senior ranks took the spoils again, give the man a challenge and he'll see it over the line, the challenge this week was 36 points posted by Kieran and Newwy so the Count knew what to do to get over the line, and a fine 37 points gave the pocket rocket his third victory in a row. Grinning like a Cheshire cat Gary said "I was thinking about going shopping with the wife but decided at the last minute to go out and play because who really wants to shop on Bank Holiday Monday in 30 degree temperatures, so I went out with winning on my mind and stayed focused, and being low to the ground the mist wasn't as thick for me as the others which helped seeing the ball the ball better, it's going to take some proper Bandit to beat me so i'm not looking forward to Patsy or Duncan returning but until then I'll just keep taking the money". Kieran beat Newwy into second place on count back said "Oh begorah to be sure I thought I had the wee man but his birdie on the 18th did it for me diddly dee but second place and a nearest the pin was mighty fine to be sure, I think we all thought about going shopping today as it is the traditional Bank Holiday pursuit but oim might glad I did't to be sure" For the record Kieran got NTP on the third, Gary got one of the others and maybe Gerry got the other? 

Other News...

Ivor's off for a walk

Former Wrag Barn captain (2013) Ivor is off for a walk this afternoon, on the hottest August Bank Holiday ever he's decided that anything is better than going shopping so he's going on a route march to White Horse Hill and back, we all respect his decision...

If you have any good bank holiday shopping stories please call 07712 599550

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Shopping in Oxford

Saturday 21st September '19

The Silver Fox is back!

A good turnout this morning of 10 Bandits on a fantastic late summers day (depending on whether you're a metrological Bandit or an equinoxy type of chap) saw some varied scores in what was perfect golfing conditions with the Wrag course in excellent condition. Following an emergency AGM where it was decided we'd all grow a pair and play off the white tee's, it was great to have Mr Young making one of his rare Bandits appearances and the fact he spanked us all just goes to show what a true Bandit the man is, come on up and play when you need a few quid and take the money, just like Patsy and Duncan, we all salute you sir! Youngy beat former Wrag captain (2013) Ivor on count back with 34 points by playing very steady golf from the 7th onwards and driving like Stan from On the Buses the Silver fox steered his ball round the course like an old pro (for further information about old pro's please talk to Bernie). As no one could hit the green on the third, Kieran came in third place with a solid tirty tree - begorah. A delighted Youngy said "With the wife away on her golfing break it was either watching porn or come and earn some money with the Bandits, no contest at my age, I had a great day and I'll think long and hard about what I'll spend my winnings on, but I hear Thomas Cook shares are on the up"

For the record I think Ash got NTP on the 12th and Bernie on the 16th but as the presentation ceremony was conducted while I was at the bar (how rude!) I could be wrong. Also for the record I too drove like someone from On the Buses but unfortunately it was Olive. 

Other News...

A Banditry round up

Its been a few weeks since I've put pen to paper so here is a summary of the news...

Bandits Presidet Elect Griff smashed everyone in the September medal with an amazing 43 points, he went straight into smug mode, deservedly so, and the two shot drop in his handicap is well overdue. He's now gone away to his Greek holiday retreat with the future Mrs Bandits President elect to get prepared for the Spanish trip. 

Bernies final of the Something Cup is on Monday we wish him all the best - cooooome on Bernie! 

Ivor has bought some shribs from B&Q so his new garden is now complete

Newwy is human scoring only 25 points today.

Handbag isn't human but he's still handbag scoring 22 points today.

Tonto had a 4 on the first today (allegedly) 

There aint no party like an S Club Party

 

If you scored 4 on the first today please call 07712 599550

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driving metaphor

Saturday 9th November 2019 

Winner Winner Guinness Dinner

The following report on Saturdays golf was received...

"Ash won and got nearest the pin"...

Which, while we're all delighted for the Big Man left a lot of questions unanswered, what was the weather conditions, how many Bandits played, how many did he win by, who got the other nearest the pins, if Newwy was playing then why didn't he win, did he have an injury or did he have to take care of Gary during the round, so many questions, but now I've returned from my holiday, a little detective work has enabled me to answer some of the questions and how Ash took the spoils... 

The weather was moist and the bunkers were GUR. There were some noticeable absentee's, from what I understand Bandits President Elect, being a Gold Member of the Yankee Candle collectors club had a golden ticket to the launch of their Christmas range and was literally blown away by their Turkey Stuffing and Pickled onion festive scented candle, after his visit a beaming Griff said "I was wondering how they were going to beat last years damp reindeer and stale beer scent, but they've absolutely smashed it and the Griff love nest will smell so festive this year, I can't wait!"...

Mr Smug decided to stay in Sevenhampton and throw stones at the Village Idiot, it was only after he'd broke 4 mirrors that the penny finally dropped... 

Former club captain 2013 Ivor was playing with juniors, after playing off ground tag, followed by pass the parcel, he was politely asked to leave when he suggested they play hide the sausage...

So although the field was lighter than normal Patsy made a welcome return following his near death splinter experience in the summer and despite the fact that the leaves were dropping from the tree's our brave boy decided not to wear a safety helmet, but the thought of another freak accident must have played on his mind and impacted his round. 

Therefore I've concluded that Ash won fair and square, only got one NTP, I'd expect Newwy got the other two and came second but I'm still waiting on confirmation from my sources.

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A worthy winner 

Saturday 16th November 2019 

Oooops he did it again

On a lovely late Autumn day at Wrag,which was still moist from the rain and snow that fell in week, we saw the mighty Belgium Sausage who was hanging like a man who drank at least 12 pints of Stella last night (probably because he did) smashing an amazing 21 points on the front nine before he started sobering up to only manage 17 on the back nine, but the 38 points was enough to take the spoils. The great man who offered to share his carry bag with Count Sudo who has lost the straps from his own carry bag following a bondage session or something else (I can't quite remember) played steady consistent golf to beat the Count who had 34 points into second place, he also managed to claim two NTP's on the 3rd and 16th, as none of the seven Bandits managed to hit the 12th green Broomer was given 3rd place with a solid 32 points which included a 5 pointer on the 5th with an absolutely fantastic birdie 2. It was also great to have Dave out playing with us again after a long absence and although a bit rusty (he hasn't played for two months apparently) he hit some fine shots as well as a few dodgy ones including one the that got stuck in a bush to amass 20 points. A happy Ash said following his round "I'm having a dry November so the 12 Stella's I accidentally had last night went straight to my head and I did feel a bit rough this morning, but class will always come through as it did last week and again this week, I'm sure I'll peak at Christmas Bandits and take the top spot and as I'm the organiser I'm sure the prize will be something special. I'm now going back to dry November once I've finished the pint of Guinness" 

It was also good to see Bandits President elect and his partner Newwy win their first round Winter Knockout match against Colin and Scott.

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If you have any straps that will fit Gary's carry bag please call 07712 599550

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Daves Bushy lie 

Other News...

 Nice Guy Gerrymiroquai

Nice Guy Gerry, despite only having a carry bag managed to wear three different hats during his round in homage to his favourite funk and acid Jazz star Jamiroquai, speaking after his round he said "I have fly away hair like my hero and like him I need to ensure its protected on breezy days so of course I have numerous hat options in my bag, and although it meant I could only fit four clubs in my bag today I certainly think it was worth it"

Ivor lets his standards slip

Former Wrag Barn Club captain (2013) who's knowledge of club house etiquette is second to none let himself down today by using his mobile in the clubhouse, an embarrassed Ivor said " I humbly apologise, I know I've let myself down and the high standards I set myself and I will give myself a good talking to when I get home, sorry to everyone"

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Saturday 23rd November 2019 

Its an Ashtrick!!!

It was a damp drizzley morning at Wrag, but the magnificent seven bandits who braved the weather were rewarded by not getting too wet and witnessing some very random golf. With scores ranging from 41 to 24 it was the Big Belgium Sausage who made the most of the conditions hitting an amazing 41 points. The Deputy Assistant to the Assistant Handicap Secretary saw no irony on hitting such a score when some others struggled with the moist underfoot conditions. Still on his dry November regime only having seven pints of Stella last night he made it three out of three wins in the month so his dry November must be paying off! Apparently there was some shenanigans looking for his ball on the 11th but Ash smashed Bandits President elect Griff who scored 34 points into second place, although even his 34 points had an element of controversy as he decided one ball wasn't enough for him on the 10th and decided to hit Newwy's ball 180 yards to within 20 feet before realising his mistake and hitting his own ball 140 yards to a similar distance. To be fair they were both playing Srixon's but you would have thought the former RAF Air Vice Marshall with 20 20 vision would have noticed he was playing with a white ball and Newwy an orange one! A delighted Ash said "Playing golf without a hangover is new to me but the sense of clarity and wellbeing is amazing and I'm feeling so relaxed, I only threw my club once today and I'm now thinking of taking up Yoga, I'm definitely at the top of my game and the Christmas Bandits is there for the taking". For the record former club captain 2013 got nearest the pin at the 3rd and 16th with Ash taking the 12th. 

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Griff looking for someones else ball to hit 

Other News...

 Newwy is human!

The Bandits golfing god Eagle Man Newwy proved today that he was mortal scoring just 24 points with five blobs and at times hitting some rather dodgy shots that us hackers can relate to. It took him until the 7th to find a fairway and following a blob on the 14th where he managed to hit a shot out of the rough less than 6 feet, he surpassed this on the 15th by hitting another shot out of the rough 3 feet, then when he did get the ball onto the fairway hit a 3 wood about 100 yards and 100 foot in the air. Welcome to our world Newman. (For the record Newwy still beat Broomer on count back)

Saturday 7th December 2019 

Groundhog Day 

On a lovely Wrag winter morning 6 Bandits took part in the December medal and following his dry November The Big Belgium Sausage turned up half cut from last night as he started his wet December to balance things out. But as we've seen so many times before the bigger the hangover the better the golf and for the fourth time in his last four Bandits outings the big man took the money. Despite a slow start where his tee shot on the first ended up on the 10th tee, as his round progressed the golf kicked in and Ash finished with 33 points beating Broomer who had 31 points into second place (Broomer beat Newwy on count back we think). A delighted Ash said, as he slowly sipped his water after the round "I'm unstoppable, 15 pints and 8 mini guinness shots last night can't stop me, so who's going to beat me at the final major of the year next week, Christmas Bandits will be mine, all mine I tell you, just you wait and see!" But with Handbag now hitting his driver like a golfer possessed on the back 9 today scoring a very solid 20 points he may just be peaking at the right time (unfortunately he played like Handbag on the front 9 and got 10 points) and nobody can rule Patsy or Newman out next week, so it looks like anybody's Christmas Bandits next week - only 7 more sleeps!... For the record Newwy got NTP on the 3rd, Broomer the 12th and Bandits President elect on the 16th.    

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Ash playing off the 10th tee... (it was his second on the first)

Saturday 14th December 2019 

Timmer Timmer Christmas Winner 

It was wet, it was windy and for those who took up the challenge to wear shorts it was cold, but most importantly it was Christmas Bandits, the most wonderful time of the year! With only 13 holes open the 28 hardy souls knew there was no room for mistakes, but being the Bandits that was never going to happen. After a full English and a few glasses port, battle commenced and in his annual Bandits outing it was Tim Collings who scored an amazing 31 points to take the top spot and the honour of being Christmas Bandits champion 2019. Following his victory a delighted Tim said "I'm so happy, it was always a trophy that eluded me in my full time Bandits days but today was my day and I knew that by drinking with Bernie all year not only would his golfing magic rub off on me but I'd also have the correct levels of alcohol in my system to enable me to peak at Christmas Bandits, and I did, I smashed it and now I'm going to have some beer, a popadom and leave my phone in the Indian - what a night I've got planned!" Dave Hefferon came in second with a fantastic 30 points and also picked up a 9 or was it a 6 iron cover and judging by the pictures on my phone Newwy came 3rd. The winner of the prestigious toilet seat for most golf was Lloyd Morgan with a very creditable 15 points when you consider that some of the puddles on the course came up to his waist that was no mean feat. The team event was won by Newwy, Youngy, Wellery and Tonto(y). For the record Tom and AJ won NTP's on the par 3's and Scott won NTP in two on the 13th. 

As always it was a fantastic day with fantastic company and thanks to Ash for organising the day and for volunteering to organise next years event, and also for putting the first Christmas decoration on the tree by the 13th green.     

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Timmer the winner!

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Ash admiring his tree decoration (spot the putter)

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Everyones happy when DownsEy turns up!!

Loads more pictures on the Photo's and stuff page

Friday 27th December

Youngy's got some bottle! 

After the turkey, the sprouts, the mince pies, copious amounts of alcoholic beverages and other festivities the annual Griff's Bottle Bash took place on a damp morning at Wrag. Eighteen finely tuned athletes stood eagerly on the first tee ready for some fresh air and exercise following two days of excesses as Bandits President Elect did the much awaited draw and in true Bandits style totally fucked it up as there appeared to be 3 x 3 balls, 2 x 4 balls and 2 x 1 balls teamed up so after some reflection and a few frantic phone calls it was all sorted and the first 7 ball tee'd off. With 13 holes open any score over 26 was in with a chance and the Cool Silver Fox Youngy took the spoils and a good selection of bottles nobody wanted at Christmas with an impressive 29 points. An excited Youngy said "This is fantastic, I was down to my last bottle of Lambrini at home and we've people coming round tonight, so we can now get totally rat arsed as normal... phew!" In second place came Rob Weller who showed true Banditry potential by scoring 28 points off a handicap of 25, third place was Newwy who pipped his brother Matt on count back with 27 points. For the record Ali got NTP on the 3rd and NTP in two on the 18th and was rewarded with a four pack of Babycham for his golfing skills, while Bandits President Elect Griff got NTP on the 12th. After the bash came the drinking and much merriment was had in the Rosey, a great end to the Bandits 2019 calendar and looking to the future there will be more of the same next year (I have 2020 vision).

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The Silver Fox looking suitably smug (picture courtesy of Bandits archive)

Saturday 11th January 2020

What the Hellery its Bandit Wellery!!

Just when you thought Patsy was the biggest Bandit along came Duncan, and we all thought there can't be a bigger Bandit than Duncan, surely not, but 2020 has unearthed someone special and on his full Bandit debut Rob Weller playing off 25 yes thats right twenty fucking five stormed the field on a windy 16 holes at Wrag with a very impressive 38 points, beating the Belgium Sausage who scored a creditable 32 points into second place. Ironically Wellery was playing with Patsy today, but when we all saw the state of Patsy this morning we all knew there could only be one winner, having recovered from his near death splinter experience last year, Patsy couldn't recover from his day on the lash yesterday and despite a pep talk on how to play golf with a banging hangover from Ash Patsy had nothing to bring to the party today. A delighted Wellery said after the award ceremony "I feel slightly embarrassed about stuffing my new chums by 6 points, but hey ho I'm over it and I suggest you all step up your game and practice hard if you don't want me to take the cash each week. Obviously playing with the man who put the C in Bandit, Patsy, inspired me and I'm sure if he wasn't still pis*ed from last night he would have given me a game. I'm off to celebrate by looking for the leak under the sink and I may buy a new a spanner with my cash". The assembled Bandits all wished Wellery well as we slipped assistant assistant to the deputy handicap Secretary Ash a sausage to sort out Wellery's handicap in time for next week. For the record Bandits President elect got NTP in the 3rd, Former Captain (2013) the 12th, and either Ash, Newwy, Jim or AJ got the 16th (Soz I must pay more attention in future!)

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Ash looking happy as Wellery takes the cash

Saturday 18th January 2020

Irish eyes are smiling 

On a wonderfully crisp winters morning 12 finely tuned Bandits fought it out over the 16 holes that were open at Wrag and the victor with an amazing 37 points was Kieran, hitting a spectacular 23 points on the back 9 which included a blob on the 15th. An ecstatic Kieran said following his round "Oh beejeepers what a day, what a day I tell you, when I heard yer man Wellery had been cut 3 shots I thought oh beejusus I have a chance today so I do to be sure and my drive down the middle of the first fairway set me up fine so it did to be sure begorough. I played steady, we had the craic but oi stayed focused all the way round to be sure and the points kept mounting so it did, I'm mighty pleased with how it went, I'm going home to have some colcannon and do a bit of a jig playining my fiddle before getting well and truly fluthered, so I am to be sure" In second place came yes, Wellery, despite his 3 shot drop he still hit an impressive 33 points beating Newwy on count back. The man has quickly become embedded in the Bandits so much we all sang a new song for him when he took his winnings, it went... "Wellery, Wellery, if she don't cum then tickle her bum with a stick of Wellery (repeat until it gets annoying)" Hopefully that'll catch on!

For the record NTP on the third and twelfth was Newwy with Nice Guy picking up the 16th.

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An artists impression of Kieran celebrating

Former Captain (2103) becomes an eco warrior!

Former Wrag Barn captain, (2013) Ivor shocked the gathered masses following his round stating that he was going to become an eco warrior. Explaining his reasons the NIMBY said "I've just moved to the edge of Highworth with open fields around me and now they want to build houses on them, don't they know the impact they'll have on the environment!, I have a pet hedgehog who visits me and put milk out for him and I've a beaver I love to stroke and I worry about their habitat and the future of our planet, so I now want to be known by my tree hugging name of Spunky not Former Captain (2013), I'm now going to climb a tree and not come down until all this nonsense is over"

 

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Spunky

Saturday 25h January 2020

Its a piece of cake!

The sky was grey but the weather was fine today at Wrag, and 11 Bandits turned up to do battle, it was great to see Nick make his full Bandits debut although with him playing off 9 raised a few eyebrows but his 30 points maybe justified his handicap... only time will tell! The other debutee Scott unfortunately couldn't make it, but we all look forward to the bottle of port he'll bring when he does make his full debut. So enough about them and back to the action, and with Duncan playing his first round since moving closer Wrag it was little surprise to most of us that he walked away the money (Wellery was a bit shocked though when he realised the Bandits had a bigger Bandit than him so there could be some competition in the weeks to come). So Duncan with 42 points, yes 42, thats right 42 flipping points beating Gavin who was rightly proud with his 37 points into second place. A very sober Duncan, celebrating with a cup of tea and a slice of cake said following his emphatic victory (42 points) "What can I say, I've got a mortgage now, so I need the money, and while I've got this handicap its better than the cashpoint playing with the Bandits, I heard some chap Wellery was after the biggest Bandit title, but I did it with Patsy and I'll do it with any other young fellow me lad who wants to challenge me for the biggest Bandity bandit in Bandits history, I'm the daddy. I'm now going to celebrate with a slice of chocolate sponge as I've deserved it, yum yum" 

For the record NTP on the third was Newwy, the 12th was fuc*ing Duncan and the pocket rocket Gary Blue hit a sensational shot to pickup the 16th.

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Mmmmmm cake!

The future of bed buying

Its a conundrum these days when you want a new bed, where do you buy one from? First there was the High Street, stores like MFI, Courts, Normans and The Big Bad Bed shop, but they've all gone, so next came the internet, but if you Google Beds these days all you get is filth, so we must appreciate how lucky we are in Highworth to have Door to Door bed sellers. In an innovative move, Persimmon Homes have now allegedly started selling off beds from their show homes to the lucky residents of their new houses and if successful they may start rolling it out to the wider public. One lucky recipient of the "Knock Knock off who's there Bed Company" was todays winner Duncan, who couldn't believe his luck when the door to door bed salesmen turned up at his door with an offer nobody could refuse, a delighted Duncan said "I was just having a scone and Ovaltine when the door bell went, and lo and behold there was the door to door bed salesman, I needed a new one as the old mattress had understandably rotted through, and these days where do you get a bed from? So I knew this was my lucky day, and when the door to door bed seller said I could have a £1600 bed thats only been on display in a show home for £400 I felt like I'd won the lottery and snapped up the offer, who wouldn't. Unfortunately it wasn't quite the full package, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it... actually I am because its shit... who buys a bed from a door to door salesman, should have gone to a shop, what a tit I am, no fool like an old fool, live and learn... Oh how I wish it was a door to door fridge freezer salesman that turned up I need a new one of those"

 

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Duncans £1600 bed being delivered

If you want a new bed please contact the Knock Knock off who's there Bed company on 07712 599550

Saturday 8th February 2020

Its a five star performance!!

On a lovely winters day at Wrag with the course looking surprisingly good considering all it's had to put up with recently part time landlord and full time golfer AJ took the spoils with an embarrassingly high score of 42 points topped up with an incredible 24 points on the back nine, lets hope he can replicate that score in a few medals this year! A delighted AJ following his round said "I had to show that anyone can be a big bandity bandit and following my five star Food Hygiene rating I achieved on Friday to follow it up with a five star golfing display on the Saturday was amazing. To be honest  I was  a bit lucky with the timing of the Hygiene rating, as I always change the chip fat in the fryers in a leap year whether it needs it or not so I did that in the week not knowing when the inspector was going to come and luckily for me my timing was perfect, just like my golf swing! I'm now going to go back to work and treat myself to liver and fish finger stew from the specials board" For the record Former Club Captain (2013) Ivor came second with a scabby 38 points, NTP on the 3rd was Bandits President Elect, Newwy on the 12th and Tonto of all people on the 16th.

If you'd like to book a table at a five star dining establishment please call  07712 599550

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Saturday 14h March 2020

The big man does it again!!

All 18 holes were open on a dry(ish) Spring day at Wrag, but only 6 brave Bandits took up the challenge and when battle commenced it was Ash who took the cash with another big bash scoring 40 points, the big man started poorly with a blob, par, blob on holes 1 to 3 before his game kicked in and 11 straight pars followed then by a 6 on the 15th and another 3 straight pars completed a very impressive round. Celebrating after with fully loaded sausage bap Ash said "The first 3 holes were interesting, I was playing with Broomer and Kieran and also I was walking the dog as I played and the little scamp was running all over the place, but enough about Kieran, following the blob on the third I gave myself a good talking to and it all clicked into place and despite Former Club Captain (2013) Ivor continually firing balls at me from behind I kept calm, struck the ball well and got the job done"  For the record Former Club Captain (2013) Ivor came second with 37 points, Nice Guy Gerry got NTP on the 12th and 16th, nobody managed to hit the 3rd green so Broomer took 3rd place with a respectable 30 points despite a hangover that Bernie would be proud of.

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Ash celebrated long into the night

Saturday 6th June 2020

Bandits golf is back!

Oh what great news! After nearly 3 months of lockdown it was great to get back to 18 hole 4 ball golf and 16 lucky Bandits came out and it was like they'd never been away with nobody scoring more than 33 points - oh happy days indeed! It was always going to happen, after weeks of warmth, the first Saturday back was cold, windy and a little bit moist, but enough about Ash lets talk about the golf. Four, four balls went out and by the sounds of it most people had a bit of an up and down round, but there can only be one winner and today it was AJ who since the lockdown has been playing more golf than even former Wrag Barn captain (2013) Ivor, with a creditable 33 points beating Duncan who had 13 points after 4 holes into second place with a score of 32 (I think), lots of people had 31 points, but today the golf was secondary as it was all about getting back and having a crack! A surprised AJ said "I'm surprised to win it as I've only played six times since Monday so I'm a little rusty, but the £16 will come in handy as I'm having to buy my own lager at the moment as I've drunk everything we had left in the pub"

For the record there were no NTP as you're not allowed to touch anything thats not yours on the course including your playing partners balls, but that didn't seem to stop Tonto.

 

 

  

Saturday 13th June 2020

Duncan does it again

On a warm, humid Saturday morning, the 16 Bandits lucky enough to play were on edge as there was a level of uncertainty due to confusion caused by former captain (2013) Ivor regarding the first tee time, is it 8:08 or 8:16, it was tense, but in the end Broomer, Wellery, Vic and birthday boy Youngy tee'd off first at just after 8am and battle commenced. Youngy was quick out the blocks defying his age on the first 8 holes amassing 19 points before he started feeling that extra year he 'd put on overnight and faded for a few holes mid round then perking up to end up with 32 points. There were a few low to mid 30 pointers coming in but in the end it was Duncan with 36 points who took the spoils, and hopefully the Bandits contactless prize distribution system kicked in and he's enjoying his £16 bumper pay day.  A delighted Duncan said "Wow, what a day, its double battenburg cake with my cup of tea for me this weekend! I played steady, left a few shots out there, but came through in the end. I've not won for a while so it's nice to get back to my winning ways, and if ever I see my prize money, i'll buy some speciality tea from the Co-op, I've always fancied trying PG tips and this'll give me the opportunity to indulge"

 

 

  

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Wellery's gash

Big Bandity Bandit Wellery was not on his usual form today as he had one of those rounds we all regularly experience with blobs occasionally interrupted by the odd point, shanking, hooking, topping and chunking were all in his armoury. So he decided on the 13th hole as his ball found the trees again to tip his trolley over so his clubs came out and take out his frustrations by head-butting a tree, unfortunately he lost that fight too with the tree giving him a good thrashing. A dejected Wellery said, "It just wasn't my day, maybe I was just trying too hard, as I was playing with Broomer who is a golfing god I didn't want to let him down, but I did, but most of all I let myself down, but I'll practice and be back stronger than before so watch out!"

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Wellery's gash - making Patsy's splinter look like a mere scratch

Saturday 27th June 2020

Wet wipes miss the big mans joy

On a showery summer's morning nineteen hardy Bandits turned up to take on the course and the weather in the ultimate gladiatorial battle... 🙄hold the front page - it was only fifteen hardy Bandits that turned up as four fell at the first hurdle coming off the course due to rain, I can only assume that Patsy's splinter dressing got moist and he needed to be whisked to the hospital by Duncan, Kieran and Nice Guy Gerry for emergency surgery, so if thats the case lets hope Patsy's better, if not then give yourselves a good talking to! They missed a tight finish with the Big Belgium Sausage Ash, edging the win with 35 points beating Newman by 1 point, with Jim third on count back having the same score as Newman. A pleased Ash said following his win "It's a shame we didn't have the full field with us at the end but let's hope Pat's wound didn't get damp as that may set his recovery back. I played well out there I was particularly pleased with my driving today and despite being out with former Wrag Barn captain (2013) who followed his score of 42 last week with a 22 this week, but to be fair he's worked so hard this week he's only had time to play 5 times, but I stuck to the task and considering the conditions I was very happy with my 35 points" It was also great to have Wakes out today for his first round of the year and despite playing with Gav who started blob blob blob he had a very enjoyable, albeit wet round scoring 28 points.  

 

 

  

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He's only gone and done it again

Footwear fashionista and Future Bandits President Griff once again stunned the gathered masses with his fine pair of open toed sandals, following his now legendary wearing of Crocs with socks our bold future president went au natural baring his toes to the elements. Speaking to Vogue Magazine Griff said "I like classy footwear and as I'm furloughed I'm lucky enough to have time to browse and I've picked up some bargains, I particularly like this cheeky little pair, which gives my toes so much freedom, I feel I can express myself in these bad boys as well as saving money on buying socks" We all look forward to seeing who Griff will be wearing in July. 

 

 

These pictures need no words...

Other news...

The silver fox still has it

Despite not scoring well today, Youngy played this majestic shot on the 17th, we also witnessed a wonderful flop shot on the 18th (following a sh*t bunker shot which overshot the green) It's good to see that he's not lost it despite his advanced years!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Griffs pet name for Tonto 

Coming off the18th green today Griff shared the pet name he has for the Bandits legend Tonto. Addressing his close friend and confidant as F*ck Knuckle the assembled masses nodded in agreement and thought yep, that name fits. If you have any other pet names for Tonto please call 07712 599550. 

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Tonto Fu*k Knucle 

And finally...
Todays Scores - courtesy of Newwy's Online Bandits Scores (NOBS)
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Saturday 4th July 2020

Patsy overcomes adversity to be top medaling Bandit 

On Super Saturday our own brave little soldier Patsy Pat overcame the many challenges he faced today to score a wonderful gross 83, nett 69 in todays medal to finish in third place in a bumper 131 Wrag field. On a windy, drizzly summers day Patsy was at Wrag early to sort out a leek under the sink to ensue the clubhouse didn't flood and it could open after 3 months of lockdown, his selflessness meant we could all enjoy a pint after our round today. Playing with fellow Bandits Wellery and Broomer, Patsy started slowly having difficulty off the tee but the big hitting accident prone, cider drinking legend still managed to keep his score ticking over until it all clicked into place and the old Patsy was back smashing 280 yard drives down the middle tearing up the course. But our brave little soldier had many challenges on the course to overcome, the 5th tee wasn't up to the mans high standards being both uneven and having some leaves on it, on the 10th he had to dig deep to overcome the stinging nettles his ball went near to, but his biggest challenge was the weather, the wind played havoc with his head and for a brief few minutes on the 12th the sun threatened to shine which sent our fair skinned ginger scuttling for shade. A mentally exhausted Patsy, in the safety of the clubhouse with a pint of cider to calm his nerves said  "Phew what a day, I don't think I've ever had such a roller coaster morning, luckily I found the leek under the sink early on so at least I could focus on the round, but I hadn't planned for there being wind today, it makes your ball move in a different direction, I've never seen anything like it, I wish someone had warned me as it took several holes to get used to it, and don't talk to me about the tee on the 5th, how I didn't twist my ankle on there I don't know, I was also surprised by stingers on the 10th, that wind blew my ball off course and it was touch and go as to whether I could continue, but I grew a pair and played my shot despite the obvious danger to life, I really lived up to my brave little soldier title then, but the sun coming from behind a cloud on the 12th was nearly too much, I only had factor 50 in my bag so I knew I was in danger of sun stroke if it was out for 5 minutes, luckily it clouded over and I was able to continue, I think the golfing gods were with me today, but obviously I'm worried about climate change with all this wind and occasional sun, I'm going to give Greta Thunberg a call later to see what I can do to help. I'm now off to prepare to drink as many pints of Stowford Press this evening on Super Saturday and celebrate life as it was touch and go out there at times". It wasn't as good news for Patsy's Bandits playing partners both the Rob's had nightmare rounds, Broomer rediscovered the ability to shank the ball and proceeded to execute his new found skill on several holes, before his make or break hole the 7th, a decent drive found the ditch, but Broomer being such a fine golfer thought, I could play that, I'm that good and that'll save me dropping another shot and I'll go on to glory, two air shots later he thought what a twat I am and his picked the ball out and ended up with a fine 11 on his card. Wellery seeing this decided on the 8th tee not to go for the fairway instead he thought the line to the green was Sevenhampton church and nailed one toward it, he may have taken someone out on the 4th green, we'll never know. But just to make sure our former Biggest Bandity Bandit decided to have an air shot on the 10th much to the amusement of Wrag President Mr Bowes who couldn't contain his laughter while watching, and to be fair Wellery's playing partners joined the President with a few discreet sniggers. But Wellery continued and ended his round with a par so I'm sure he'll be fighting fit for next week's Captains cup. Other notable Bandits scores I saw on the leaderboard was Former Captain (2013) Ivor seemed to have found a window in his heavy work schedule to hit a solid nett 71(or it may have been 72 I looked last night and the results aren't there now), the Silver Fox Youngy had a nett 72 (I think) and the rest were mediocre or NR's! 

       

 

 

  

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Patsy found the leek under the sink

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Greta is rather confused following Patsy's call 

Other News...
Not too much to report on this week apart from a stunning birdie on the 15th from the Belgium Sausage Ash in Thursday's mid week medal, from just off the green the big mans chip and run smashed int the flag and dropped in the hole, had the flag not got in the way, his ball would have been well placed for his tee shot on the 16th. Funnily enough the flag got in the way of the back of Ash's hand on the 7th after the big man four putted, giving Ash a nice bruise. Following the skirmish the flag said "Ouch" 

Saturday 11th July 2020

Broomer's cut, Nice Guy's stung and Nick is scalped! 

On a fine golfing day, with the sun shining bright and a gentle breeze, the Captains Cup saw 12 Bandits (I think) take the challenge... And the top Bandit of the day with 38 points was Broomer who managed to keep a blob off his card for the first time in ages. Playing with F*ck Knuckle and The Count, Broomer majestically steered his ball round Wrag like an old pro (apart from the 9th where he scabbed it along the ground for most of the hole but still managed to get a point). Speaking after his round a surprised Broomer said "After my 11 on the 7th last week, I've had to rebuild my game a bit like Ralph Hasenhuttl had to do after Saints were dicked 9-0 by Leicester, I took inspiration from their turn around and playing with F*ck Knuckle and The Count today I knew I'd be playing with the two most supportive athletes in the Bandits, and I just played steady golf. Obviously my rhythm could have been disrupted on the 10th when F*ck Knuckles battery on his trolly ran out of juice and we had to wait for it to be replaced, I don't know what he does with his battery during the week, but it never lasts a full round, a bit like him really! But I stayed focused and managed to keep the score card ticking over, and to be top Bandit in such a prestigious competition is something I've always dreamed of. My handicap should now be cut and hopefully I can build on this and become a proper golfer". Newwy with 35 points was second top Bandit after hitting a fine 22 points on the back nine following a poor 13 on the front. It was also good to see Wellery have a decent round following his troubles in the medal last week, he was rewarded with a two on the 16th so he's in the money!

Other observations of the day...

Nick turned up on the first tee looking like he'd just been released from a 1970's Borstal with one of the most savage haircuts seen since Nessy's infamous shearing at Shrivenham's Christmas Bandits. There were several excuses for the look, from his daughter cutting his hair, to Newwy's wife doing it, to him getting it caught in a combine harvester. But then we later found out that he's off to big school soon so he wanted to look smart for the new term. 

Top Bandit Nice Guy Gerry had a shock on the patio when he was stung by a wasp while drinking his Guinness following his round today. Nice Guy said of the incident "There was an angry wasp buzzing around my head and I just wanted to calm it down, give it a little cuddle and say there there Mr Wasp there's nothing to worry about, and maybe stroke his fluffy little back to relax him. But when I grabbed the feisty fellow the c*nt stung me on the finger, luckily Tonto was on hand to pour vinegar on the sting which took the pain away. It made me think of, and appreciate, the bravery of our Little Soldier Patsy who had to endure his near death finger splinter injury without a Tonto being around with a sachet of vinegar, and like him I will come back stronger from this. In the mean time if I find that wasp I'll stamp on it, so I will"

       

 

 

  

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A mighty fine haircut Sir!

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Ready for Big School - Nick in his uniform counting the days 

Other News...
It's just not been Nice Guy's week, previous to his wasp sting today he had to face an in form Duncan in the Hazel Rogers second round and was soundly thrashed 7&5 by the man who put the C in Bandit. Still playing off his ridiculous 17 handicap he clicked into gear with a score for 18 holes estimated to be 47 points, giving Nice Guy no chance at all. This has obviously re sparked the debate regarding Duncan's inflated handicap, with cries of "just cut him 5 shots" echoing around the course. So have your say -  if you think Duncan should have his handicap cut text "CutDuncansHandicapTo14AtLeast" to  07712 599550 If you don't think his handicap should be cut then keep it to yourself.
And Finally... Following a lovely Birdie from the count on the 10th today he followed up with a 5 metre drive off the 11th tee... Tonto helped him find his ball.
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Saturday 25th July 2020

Any hole's a goal as Patsy takes the cash

The sky was heavy, with rain forecast along with potential thunder showers, which made it surprising that our brave little soldier turned up at all, but not only did he turn up, he turned up with his A game and took the spoils with a fine 36 points. Twenty Bandits were out again today which is a fantastic turnout, there were various scores with the front nine being a particular challenge for Tonto (6 points) and Dave (3). The rain had threatened but the early starters got home just a little moister than they started, whereas the latter groups took the full force of the biblical downpour to come home soaking. But when all was done and the scores were totted up Patsy's 36 was good enough to beat the Silver Fox into second place by one shot. A damp Patsy said following his round "when I saw the forecast I knew I had to put my big boys pants on and get on with it, if I got wet I wasn't coming in, I'm not going to be a wet wipe, I was going to finish come hell or high water, and I kept going, played steady golf and took the money, I'm now going to celebrate my success by drinking numerous pints of cider, which was my plan anyway but it always tastes better following victory" 

It was a topsy turvey day for some Bandits, where the course map went out the window, with Scott playing the sixth hole via the seventh fairway, quickly followed by Newwy who decided to follow the great mans lead. Dave managed to get his greenside bunker shot on the first to within 15 feet of the flag, the only problem was it was the flag on the eighth green, but shot of the day must go to Nice Guy Gerry, whose tee shot on the fourth ended up in the greenside bunker on the third! A slightly embarrassed Nice Guy said "I don't know where that tree came from, I'm sure it wasn't there last time I played, I thought I hit the tee shot perfectly, as I draw the ball I started it out right then boing it hit the tree and zoomed past me into the bunker, I knew I'd struggle to make par after that". Dave said "at least my shot went forwards"

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Dave rightly chuffed getting his ball so close from the bunker 

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Nice Guy making things difficult on the 4th 

Other News...
Wrag have been listening to their vertically challenged members and have agreed to put a lifting aid on the first tee to help the shorter players and speed up play. As the Bandits has it's fair share of shorties (mentioning no names) but Gary said "This is a game changer for me, it'll make so much difference, those steps are just too high for people like me, oh and Griff and Vic struggles a bit. The new lift will give me more time to apply my creams and I'll arrive on the tee relaxed without the additional stress of having to climb a mountain before even starting the round. Thanks Wrag from all of us"
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The new lift waiting to be installed on the first tee 

And finally...
Now things are getting back to the new normal we're thinking its about time to bring back NTP's and the £3 in real cash prizes. If we use a tee for the NTP marker there should be little risk, we can even get some hand sanitiser for each group to take out if required. If you'd like the NTP's to resume text BringitonIneedthedosh, if you think its too soon for such a radical move then text Ooohnothankstooscary to 07712 599550. Or alternately have the debate on the Bandits Golf Whatsap group.

Saturday 8th August 2020

Phew what a scorching Bandit! 

The biggest Bandit since Bandits began (including Patsy "I got 8 birdies at Wychwood" (which by the way is an arboretum with 143 different types of tree)) Duncan came along and demolished the opposition with an outrageous 42 points on a lovely summers day at Wrag. Nobody was surprised that the man who struggles to get into the 30's in a medal comp got 40+ again today, because thats what he does and to be fair at least he's consistent; ooh its not a medal I can get my A game out and take the money, as opposed to ooooh a medal if I don't try too hard I'll get another .1 on my handicap will soon be 18 - happy times!😀 Speaking after his round a jubilant Duncan said "I always try hard, I don't know why it doesn't click in during a comp, maybe its the company with the Bandits that relaxes me and I play my best, I really want to get my handicap down, maybe I try too hard in comps - thats it, I'm trying too hard, see it's not me protecting my handicap at all" The six other Bandits who played today all congratulated Duncan on maintaining his biggest Bandity title and wished him all the best in the next medal (we all know what'll happen there don't we readers). In second place came Ash with 35 points, yes 35 only 7 less than Duncan. Wellery and Ivor (who left a lot out there by the way) had 33, thats 9 less than Duncan and Nice guy took up the rear with 23 points a massive 19 points less than Duncan. We also reintroduced the nearest the pins and I think Duncan got the 3rd but I could be wrong, Broomer the 12th and Wellery the 16th.  

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Duncan following his 42 (yes 42) points win today

Other News...
Nice Guy Gerry should have gone to Specsavers - after his round before enjoying his richly deserved Guinness nice Guy came out of the clubhouse with his sunglasses on, noticing something strange about his appearance Broomer asked Gerry what's happened to his glasses to which Nice Guy replied, oh they're a little steamed up, when in actual fact one of the lenses was missing 😎Gerry went off to his golf bag to retrieve the missing lens. 
If you feel you can wear a pair of sunglasses with a lens missing and not be aware please call 07712 599550
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Can anyone spot anything wrong with these? 

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Saturday 15th August 2020

Victory Vic  

On a day that threatened heavy rain that luckily didn't arrive, ten brave and hardy Bandits took the challenge, bunkers were GUR as they were nearly washed away in the great flood of Highworth on Wednesday but none of this worried our champion of the day as Vic took the spoils in a close run finish, with a solid 33 points beating the biggest bandity bandit Duncan into second place and Former Wrag Barn Captain (2013) Ivor into third place on count back. A delighted Vic said following his victory "I never thought this day would come and I certainly didn't think I had a chance with 33 points today as Duncan was playing and it's not a medal I thought it would be a 40 plus that won it, but I took my chances and played steady golf, and now I'm £10 better off, what a day!" When asked what he was going to do with his bumper pay day cash our champ said "I think I'll take my mate Gary out for an eat out to help out slap up meal, luckily we're small enough to get away with ordering children's meals so you can get quite a banquet for a tenner, and I love chicken nuggets" For the record Newman got NTP on the 3rd and I'm not sure who got the others, but it may have been Ash, which if it was I'm sure he'll be humbled about. 

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Griff's third shot on the 2nd today was a challenge!

Medal News...
It was an early start for the Bandits contingent on a misty Sunday morning with the first group teeing off at 6:30 and the good news is that the top 3 Bandity Bandits all scored over 36 points which hopefully will mean a handicap adjustment for them. Top Bandit of the day was Wellery who after a steady 16 points on the front nine clicked into overdrive on the back nine scoring 22 points for a fine total of 38, which left in him 10th place on the day. Patsy also had a solid 38 points having picked up 15 points on the first 5 holes!. The biggest Bandity Bandit Duncan finally found some form on medal day scoring 37 points which may not be good enough for a big cut but will mean he won't be getting nearer to an 18 handicap. Also with 37 points was Scotty boy - why him!? 
Other scores of note was Youngy with 22 points taking up the rear😉

Saturday 22nd August 2020

Monster M'Ash 

It was a blustery day, more akin to October than August but that didn't put off the 14 Bandits and guest Sean Judd to take on the course and the elements in a herculean battle of man versus stupid little white ball that never goes straight! The victor of the day was the Belgium Sausage Ash hitting a fine 37 points beating the Silver Fox Youngy by 1 point. The shot of the day must surely go to Newwy who's wonderful right footed kick on the fifth sent Merlot's ball straight into the drainpipe under the path causing a right kerfuffle as the four ball tried to retrieve it in true Krypton Factor style. Luckily Youngy had the extendable golf ball retriever that all seniors have in their bag to save the day! A humbled Ash said following his win "Wow what a day I was on my knees literally on the fifth but I didn't let the incident affect my mental attitude as I ground out my score, many a golfer would have cracked under that sort of pressure, but not me" When asked what he would be spending his winnings on the big man said "Well tonight I'm off to watch some Dirty Dogging in a car park in Buscot with Lloydy and the ladies so I think I'll have a big tub of popcorn to celebrate, I'm also off on holiday for a few days from Sunday so I'm going to treat myself to a new bucket and spade, I've wanted one of those castle shaped buckets for a while but they've always just been out of my price range, but not now and if I've any of my winnings left over I'm going to buy some paper flags too!" For the record Ash got NTP on the third, Newwy on the twelfth and Gary hit a fine shot on 16 to take the money.   

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While you're down there Ash! Ash on his knees while Youngly plays with his pole 

Other News ..
Tonto caused a slight delay today on the 9th when his 3 wood got entangled with his brolly causing a giant metal puzzle that needed resolving before play could restart following the downpour we all endured. After five minutes the puzzle was resolved and play continued but it does raise the question is the workings of the brolly too complex for our drainage expert F*ck Knuckle?
The biggest Bandity Bandit Duncan distraught that he may actually go down a few strokes has had a putting lesson to enable him to continue to supplement his income by taking the Bandits money, although initial stats seem to show that he has wasted his money, but I'm sure the determined little blighter will practice practice practice and become an ever bigger Bandit.
 
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This may be the solution to Tonto's problems 

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Nice Guy Gerry can't get enough of flowery baps and likes to rub his face in them!

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Saturday 25th September 2020

Newwy's the Man 

On a blustery, windy, autumnal morning a bumper turnout of thirteen Bandits and two guests did battle against the elements and each other,  and in these harsh, Covid crazy days it was good to see normal service resuming as Eagle Man Newwy rose to the top of the field to take the spoils with a very impressive 38 points beating Tom with 36 points into second place. Playing very steady golf despite a recent industrial injury causing our hero to play with a heavily plastered finger, which made Patsy's infamous wound look like a mere scratch caused by a splinter, there was no catching the man renowned for scoring eagles at will as he charged through the field. A delighted Newwy said following his round "Wow what a round, I'm over the moon with how I played, especially when you consider the harsh conditions out there. I don't know why but I always peak at this time of year just before our Spanish (Chipping Norton) trip. I hope to maintain this vein of form as we compete for the Covid Cup next week. Obviously the gash on my finger was a concern but I called Patsy last night for advice on playing through the pain barrier and he told me "just drink 8 pints of cider boy and you'll be fine" and the rest as they say is history" When asked what he would do with his winnings of £22.50 (which included a NTP) he said "It'll go towards the 24 pints of cider I need to get me through next week and hopefully be victorious in the Covid Cup" For the record as well as Newwy getting a NTP on the 12th, President Elect Griff got the 3rd and Vic the 16th. 

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Todays winner

Other News ..
The hardest working, bus driving, window cleaning legend that is Former Wrag Captain (2013) Ivor scored an amazing hole in one on the 16th during the week, as some how, he managed to find time in his busy schedule to play golf. Hitting an 8 iron into the green the ball bounced once before dropping in the hole. A stunned Ivor said following his great ace "Yesh, I got an 'ole in one, sorry I'm a bit pished now hic!"
It looks like Duncan the Biggest Bandity Bandit has met his match as he crashed out of the Hazel Rogers cup being beaten on the 18th in his semi final. The odds on favourite to win the trophy and keep it in the Bandits, playing off his ridiculously high handicap of 16 was stunned following his defeat "I don't know where it went wrong, I've been protecting my handicap all year to enable me to compete in, and take the Hazel Rogers trophy and the glory that goes with it, I didn't see this coming, I thought I was invincible, I'd paid for putting lessons based on the expectation of the prize money I thought I'd win, I'm not going to lie this is a set back, I don't know if I'll be able to protect my handicap much more as people are starting to notice and say nasty things and if I don't then I wont be able to enter the Hazel Rogers next year, I've got a lot of thinking to do over the next few days" When asked about the kerfuffle on the 18th caused by him looking for his ball he said "Since the start of the year you've been allowed 30 minutes to look for your ball and I'm not going to hurried by some jobs worth when there was so much at stake, if he doesn't like it he can report me to the committee". When it was pointed out that it's only 3 minutes to look for your ball a slightly embarrassed Duncan said "oh shit"
 
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Our hole in one hero

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Duncan in happier times

Saturday 17th October

Newwy is top Bandit on a day full of surprises 

The day started grey but the sun shone later as ten Bandits (i think) took the challenge of the October Stableford competition. All ten hoping to knock a shot or two off their handicap but expecting to get the  .1 increase that usually occurs on these comps, with the top Bandit of the day being Newwy carding a respectable score of 33 points, beating former captain (2013) Ivor into second place with 32 points and Bandits President elect Billy Goat Griff with 31 points into third place. At the other end of the scoreboard we had the Big Man Ash with 22 points and Wellery who had one of those days we all have from time to time where he spent more time in the tree's than a Moroccan Goat on a sunny day, and once in them, just couldn't get out, ending the day with 20 points. After his round Newwy had time to reflect on what had been an eventful morning at Wrag saying "I don't want to bleat on about missed chances but I'm sure Griffs nanny would have had less lipped out putts than me today. I missed my chance of a two when I tried to ram a putt in but it just bounced off the flag stick. I hoofed some good drives which I've done since I was a kid but I couldn't convert enough chances" Just then Wellery butted in saying "Ewe wouldn't believe it I managed to four putt from twelve feet, and I feel baaaaaaa'd about that" 

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I talk to trees, but they just call me a cu*t

Other News ..
The early morning bookers enjoyed various different bants topics this morning, some of which would have got David Attenborough's ears twitching as he looks for a follow up to his hit documentary A Life on our Planet. Despite starting on the subject of different sizes and types of man hole covers for Griffs latest building project, that topic alone would be enough for a Netflix mini series staring Warwick Davis as Griff, but the conversation quickly turned to wildlife, as the difficult and often shied away from subject of turkey wanking was debated at great detail highlighting the challenges that artificial insemination brings with it to ensure that the nation can have their traditional Christmas Dinner. It was at this point that Bandits President Elect told the gathered group of his life long love for goats and the pleasures they have bought to him in the past. In a touching tribute to the little hairy horned herbivores, Griff recounted stories of chasing goats as a youngster, running through the meadows without a care in the world and the fun he had when he caught up with the playful little chaps. 
It bought many a tear to his fellow bandits who were touched by Griffs rare show of emotion. 
 
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