Saturday 26th June
Move over Duncan there's a new Bandit in town... to be sure!
The title of biggest bandity bandit could soon be changing hands as Duncan with his ridiculous handicap is now looking over his shoulder as Kieran has hit a rich vein of form which has seen him scoring 40 or more in the last two weeks so if he can dodge the new World Handicap System as good as Duncan then there's a chance we'll need to change our Saturday standing orders from Duncan to Kieran! So, on a pleasant Wrag morning a depleted field of 7 Bandits due to call ups for a match against Marlborough, Nice Guy isolating after a senior Covid scare, and of all things, Bandits President elect Billy goat Griff working, thats right the man that makes Ivor (former club captain 2013) look busy was actually doing a days work after all these months on furlough, not too sure what he was doing, someone said he was selling candy floss at a virtual air show, another said hot dogs, but whatever it was lets hope our goat loving future president got through it and will have a well earn't couple of months off before he has to work again... Anyway back to the golf and Kieran followed up his 44 point victory last week with a 40 pointer victory beating Vag into second place by a mind boggling 8 points, playing very steady golf with 7 points after two holes he kept the scoreboard ticking over and the rest is history. A chuffed as fuck Kieran said following his victory "Oh what a round, what a round I said to be sure, despite two blobs I still got 40 points so I did and I'm playing well at the moment so I am, and although I feel I'm better than my handicap I'm talking to Duncan who's assistant to the assistant assistant's assistant handicap secretary to see if I can be his assistant to enable me to learn handicap protection like the wee man and as long as I can keep playing like this I can take the money every week like a true bandit, too be sure I can, begorah" For the record I think Nick got NTP on 3 and 12 and Kieran got the 16th.
Our winner
Other News ..
Handbag is back (only until Wednesday 😢)
It was great to have Handbag back playing Saturday Bandits and also playing in true handbag fashion, driving it 250 yards down the middle on one hole then slicing like a cu*t on the next, but he still finished with a very respectable 29 points. But alas our jet setting Airport executive flies back on Wednesday and if we're lucky we will see him again at Christmas.
Saturday 24th July 2021
Forty Fecking Five!!!
On a day where the weather forecast suggested building an Ark but the reality was just slightly moist air at times (but enough about Ash's dodgy stomach) 14 Bandits and one guest (Dave from the rollup) did battle, but it wasn't much of a contest as the new Biggest Bandity Bandit Kieran took the spoils with a massive 45 points. Making previous owners of the Biggest Bandity Bandit title, look like mere amateurs our jovial Irishman put together a near perfect round scoring 2 or 3 points on every hole to accumulate his massive total, beating the not quite Biggest Bandity Bandit following his recent and long overdue handicap cut Duncan by 7 points, which to be fair to Duncan 38 points was an impressive score off his new handicap. A beaming Kieran said after his near faultless round "Oooh what a round, what a round I tell you begorah, I played steady stuff there today so I did, I kept the ball straight, kept out of trouble to be sure and the points mounted up so they did, to say oim over the moon is an under statement, oim over the fecking sun. I played in the qualifier yesterday and only got 33 points, luckily I managed to blob the last two otherwise I may have got cut, Duncan taught me that trick, I do want to get my handicap down, but theres plenty of time for that and I'm just going to enjoy the moment, so i am, to be sure" For the record Vic got NTP on the 3rd, somebody else got the 12th I think it may have been Duncan and Youngy got the 16th. The only other item of note was the uncharacteristic 20 points total score from our Eagle Man Newwy, I don't know if he was overwhelmed playing with Wellery and Broomer but it was straight to the driving range (bar) when he finished his round.
Our winner
Other News ..
President Elect has a poorly arm!
Bandits President elect Billy Goat Griff was sadly absent from the golf this weekend and the news is he has poorly arm. We know that he has had to do two days work in the last 16 months, but we feel those two days being so close together may have been the cause of our nature loving future president's poorliness. There was speculation that maybe handing out too many leaflets could have caused the RSI injury or picking up vast amounts of onions to go on the hotdogs was the cause, but we caught up with the convalescing Griff and he exclusively told us "One of those two days was a training day where we got to try lots of different skills relevant to the role and I was naturally drawn to the candy floss machine, I know I've got a strong wrist as I exercise it a lot, and when I say a lot, I mean a lot but I wasn't aware of the strain it puts on your forearm so I've got what they call CandyFloss Ulnar Nerve Tension or C.U.N.T for short, I need to rest it for a while, which will be hard, but I'll soon be back on the course and I look forward to seeing you all very soon". And we all wish Griff the speediest of recoveries😘
Griff coming to terms with the pain
October 2021
Its Been a while...
Its been a few months since the last update and a lot of things have happened, hopefully as we move into autumn I'll get more time to get back to weekly updates, or at least try. For the purpose of Bandits history I will try to summarise the last few months as best I can 😘
Wrag Foursome champs - they're Bandits!
The main news was that our own Nick and Bluey were victorious in their Foursomes final, meaning another couple of Bandits names go up on the wall of fame. When asked how he felt our little pocket rocket Gary said "pardon, what did he say Nick? Then replied quarter to four"... eventually he just said "Boom, viva Ronaldo", a more eloquent Nick said "it was great playing with Gary we just clicked, dove tailed and played well together, we're both on top of our game and compliment each others game perfectly, it really is a pairing made by the gods and I'm sure this partnership will last forever and we'll be winning many pairs competitions both now and in the future, what a great little chap he is".
Following such glowing praise it came as a massive shock to one and all to hear that Gary was unceremoniously dumped by Nick for the CCM cup as he paired up with brother Newwy for a crack at the prestigious prize. When asked for the reason why he chose to move to a different partner the tall man said "Gary who?, oh I know that little bloke who I dragged round to victory in the foursomes, I remember him now, I wonder what happened to him?"
Dumpings continued...
In similar shenanigans, the Bandits have seen more partner swapping than a good night out in Blunsdon, it seems you just throw up the balls and go with the closest one these days as Ivor (Former captain 2013) demonstrated by dumping his 4BBB partner Ash (who is still his partner in that event having made the final - well done both!!). In search of a higher shared handicap for the CCM cup, our window cleaning floozie courted the current Biggest Bandity Bandit Kieran to get him to agree to play with him, our shameless former captain (2013) said "Yes, I know deep down I'm a winner, but I need another 10 shots to become one and Kieran is the obvious choice, I know Ash is working on getting his handicap up but its not come quick enough for me, so I was left with no choice, once Ash gets to around the 20 mark then we'll talk"
The other victim of Nick dumping Gary was Bandits President elect Billy Goat Griff as Newwy teamed up with Nick this left Griff stuck like a mountain goat on a very narrow ledge, but it was staring everyone in the face and Griff paired up with Ash and although not winning the CCM cup they were the top Bandits team... Theres a lesson there for all of us!
I had a hat when I came in...
Our absent minded veteran Vic had a jolly time playing with Seniors at the Kingsdown Club, but one schooner of sherry too many meant that the new cap he bought for the occasion got left in the bar. Luckily the Belgium Sausage Ash was playing there the following week, but despite looking high and low was unable to locate the lost item.
Ash looking all over the place for Vic's hat
December 2021
It's ChristmASH!!
It's the most wonderful time of the year, or so the song goes, and it must have been written with us in mind, because when else can you have a pint of Guinness and a glass of Port along with a full english before doing battle for the most prestigious of the Bandits Major Trophies... Christmas Bandits
So, when the breakfast plates were cleared away and the crackers were pulled the main event started, and at the end, when scores were totaled up, the 2021 Christmas Bandits champion with a very impressive 40 points was Ash, who pipped last years toilet seat winner Youngy by one point, with Newwy a further point behind in third place. The winning team, lead by Scotty, playing with Ash, Colin and Vic amassed a very respectable 141 team score. The prize that no one wants, the toilet seat went (not for the first time) to Downsey with a score of 16. A delighted Ash said following his victory, "I could have done with a few more sausages at breakfast but I quickly put that behind me once the Guinness kicked in I started playing steady golf, it was tough but I kept going and I'm delighted to be Christmas Bandits Champion, it means a lot and I'm humbled to win considering it was such a strong competitive field of golfers". When asked what he was going to do with his bumper winnings as he not only won the cash prize for coming first he also drew himself in the sweepstake our champ said "Probably pick up the tab for the curry because there's bound to be some c*nts who won't pay the extra". Downsey after taking custody of the toilet seat for the year said "It's like meeting up with an old friend, I've missed it and its blooming cold having a crap without a toilet seat so welcome back old chum" For the record Newman won NTP on the third, someone won the 12th, Broomer won the 16th and Nick won NTP in two on the 18th. If you know who won the 12 please text "I know who won the NTP on the 12th" to 07827367532, if not please text "I don't know who won the NTP on the 12th" to the same number. (texts cost £5 plus your standard network rate all profits go to the keep Tonto's hair ginger fund)
So a big thank you to Kieran for organising such a great day and handing over the batten to Wellery for next year.
Someone's happy!
May 27th 2022
Hello hello hello a very worthy winner and Jim
Vag in second place... and Jim
Scotty is the Hottie!!!
On a wonderful Spring afternoon, 15 of the Bandits finest turned up at The Wychwood for the annual Summer Trophy, which due to Covid has not been played for a few years, so it was great to get back to the old arboretum and see what new trees had been planted for us to get stuck behind!
But there were no such obstacles for our winner as Scotty posted a fantastic score of 39 points beating Vag into second place by 3 points. Our former traffic warden had a birdie blitz on the back nine with 4 in a row to reach a fine points tally. A delighted Scott said following his near perfect round (a pair of blobs on 17 and 18 spoilt an even better score!) "Wow what a day, everything was good, I remembered my golf clubs and to pick up Ivor and when I got to the course and discovered I'd been drawn to play with Ivor my day was complete, its not everyday I get to play with him... Oh hang on it is everyday I get to play with him, but what a joy! We also had wee Gary with us which was a pleasure, he was a brave little soldier having a poorly leg but he kept his chin up and although we nearly lost him in the long grass a few times we had fun. I played well with the exception of the last 2 holes but by then I was home and dry so I could ease up a bit in prep for the mens championship at Wrag" Scott also took 2 NTP's on the par 3's, with Newman taking the other, and someone had a fine eagle on 18 to take the NTP in 2 prize, you would have thought he'd have mentioned, but the humble giant of a man Ash was too unostentatious to go on about it... was he f*ck I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't take a a full page advert out in the Highworth link so everyone knows about it- still well done big man!
As always Jim did a great job organising the event, thanks Jim!, and, as always I got totally wa*kered in the Saracens celebrating such a fine day, and as always Ivor (former Wrag captain 2013) fu*ked up blind pairs.
Newwy NTP... and Jim
Ash talking about his eagle... and Jim
Great to see Macca out ... and Ash reflecting
Duncan posing for the camera - breath in!
The perfect swing
Looking for Gary's ball
December 10th 2022
Christmas Time - Wellery did fine!!!
Its feels just like yesterday I was doing the last Website update, but it was in fact May!!! Soz🥺. But Christmas Bandits is such an iconic, epic, competition which date is etched in your head from the day its announced and nothing could get in its way (except a partners birthday obvs) that it must always be reported on, in a level of detail that only someone who was well on his way to an alcohol fueled haze by presentation time, so apologies if some of the details are sketchy, but its OK as I'll make up the parts I can't remember. So Saturday 10th December 2022 started with the traditional early call to arms that we've come to love from president elect Griff. There were two hardy Bandits at the clubhouse at 06:30 to book for next week,unfortunately we were let down by the third booker whose name eludes me so lets just call him c*nt, but anyway we still got the tee times so all was good. The 23 players - Bandits and invited guests started arriving from 08:15 in resplendent Christmas attire, catching up with old friends and generally taking the pi*s out of one and all. Breakfast, Port and Guinness came and went. The betting board was once again absent this year as someone whose name eludes me so lets call him grinchy c*nt couldn't be arsed, but luckily the organiser and overall good egg Wellery filled the gap with a sweepstake, and then battle commenced...
The conditions were picturesque but tougher than tough, frosty fairways, frozen greens, leaves still swallowing balls in the rough and sun in your eyes on some shots, but some good scores were carded and the champion golfer of the day with an amazing 39 points was Wellery, winning what I believe was his first major, beating Griff into second place who beat Nick into third on countback both with 35 points. A delighted Wellery said following his victory "It was tough, but it was fun, I find frozen greens suit me, I normally buy bags of broccoli and sprouts from Iceland, but today I had 18 of them and putted well, and once I knew Broomer had drawn me in the sweepstake I knew I had to go for it as he was on his own mission and it needed funding, those Guinnesses dont come cheap! I'm chuffed to be the winner its been an interesting week that didn't start well but finished great. Now all that needs to happen is England to beat the French, which I'm sure they will, and if Harry Kane gets a chance then the sky's the limit!"
There was also nearest the pins on all par 3's and NTP in two on the 18th, I know Nick got NTP on 5 and Gerry got NTP in 2 on 18th, but the other three names elude me so lets call them c*nt1, c*nt2 and c*nt3. So that just leaves the dreaded toilet seat, who of the Bandits would be in the unenviable position of being the worst golfer of the day, and despite a fighting finish the seat went ironically to the man who spends most time on one the pocket rocket that is Gary Blue. A despondent Gary said following his disappointing round "Not my best days golf, being closer to the ground meant I was more affected by the cold, but I'll learn from the experience and will come back strong, and with England playing the French later I'm sure I'll still be celebrating at the end of the night, now Harry Kane has opened his goal account what could possibly go wrong?"
So another Christmas Bandits has come and gone, fantastically organised by Wellery who gets a massive thank you, and the honour to organise next years event has gone to Duncan, who I'm sure will do a great job.
Pictures from the Day
The Winner
The loser
The pizza delivery "boy"
The anxious wait for breakfast
I'm Tonto
Thank f*ck I'm not
`Three wise men...well two and Wakes
March 18th 2023
Gav's got a lot of bottle!
On a bright spring morning, 16 of the Bandits finest lined up on the first tee hoping to win the first major of the year - Griffs Bottle Bash, which has moved from its previous Christmas date to the more pleasant March date and the winner with a magnificent 44 points was Gavin who pipped Wellery by a single point to take the spoils walking home with multiple bottles of Aldi's finest bargain bin wines. A delighted Gav said following his victory "I played good golf out there today, my putter was on fire, I had 5 birdies and with a little more luck I could have had more. I'm so glad I've won this wine as I have an old door I need to strip the varnish from and this is just the stuff to make the job easier". A slightly disappointed Wellery congratulated Gav saying "Congratulations Gav", following that up with "It was close, I thought I had it today, following my Christmas Bandits victory I knew what was needed to win, I had to dig deep and I thought I'd done enough, but losing by just 1 stroke is hard to take and I know a bit about strokes don't you know, but fair play to Gav"
Other winners on the day was Nick who got third place with 39 points which won him a bottle of meths and a four pack of White lightening, and Broomer came fourth with 37 points and took home a bottle of Bramwells Malt vinegar. The 3 NTP's were Ivor (I think) on the third, Tonto on the 12th and Broomer on the 16th.
Following the prize giving a few of the Bandits had decided to watch the rugby but in true Bandits fashion that was not straightforward, the phrase piss up in a brewery came to mind as the location for the viewing was debated, eventually it was agreed that the Saracens would be the best place, but Wellery and Gary thought it was best to take their cars home before hitting the beer. After more debate it was agreed that Gary would follow Wellery, with Griff following Gary to pick up Gary and Wellery and bring them back to Highworth, unfortunately Griff thought he was following Gary but it was actually a child in a pedal car so he ended up at the rec playground... But eventually we all got to the saracens and a good time was had by all
The Winner
Pictures from the day
12th August 2023
Tommy's Dun!
On a beautiful English summer day with just the 30 mph winds, rain, and occasional sun to contend with, the conditions were tough, but not tough enough for the three hardy Bandits who made it up to Wrag to book for next week (you're welcome) and the additional hours in bed that those 3 hero's gave you all must have helped Tom to amass an amazing 32 points as he romped home to win the day, stuffing former Wrag captain (2013) Twinkle Toes Ivor into second place by 2 points, not only did he take the winners top prize, he also claimed two nearest the pins, meaning that Teacher Tom no longer needs to strike until at least 2024. A delighted Tom said following his win "It's been a tough week, I've had to keep Ash out of trouble and I was in discussions with Barry Hearn trying to line him up to fight Anthony Joshua but Ash's demands were too much and Helenius got the fight, but that allowed me to focus on golf and today's win goes to show i've still got what it takes, and the prize money means I won't be standing on the picket line for a few months "
For the record Toms two NTP's were the 3rd and 16th, someone else got the 12th I think it was Wellery but as he only ended up with a total of 13 points I maybe wrong
Breaking News.....
Former Wrag Barn Captain (2013) picked for Strictly!
Just when you think you've seen it all, something like this comes along and blows your mind. Little did we know that in our Bandit ranks we had such a talent, a talent that Twinkle Toes Ivor has kept secret for many years, but the cats out of the bag now and he's ready to share it with the world. Following his video going viral with over 10 views, former Wrag captain (2013) Ivor was contacted by Craig Revel Horwood and offered a spot this years Strictly Come Dancing, a delighted Craig said "Oh lovey you don't see talent like this everyday, I was stunned and moved by his grace and poise, he combines classical ballet moves with traditional hip hop, but the way he slips in the freestyle dad dance moves is absolutely fab-u-lous. We had to ask him to join our show, the world can't wait to see how far he will go, he reminds me of slightly chunkier Ann Widdecombe and we know how far she went on strictly! He can shake his pert little ass my way anytime darling"
In an exclusive interview a slightly stunned Ivor (former Wrag barn captain 2013) told me "It's all happened so fast, obviously I've been practicing, I was classically trained in the Army, canoeing and dancing were my skills, the plan was, if required, i'd go behind enemy lines, canoe up a river and use my silky dance moves to win trust of the locals, fortunately those skills were never required. I've been practicing hard and have perfected the soft shoe heel flick as well as the hands on hips and mince a bit move, but I've plenty of other moves that will come out over the next few months"
And I for one can't wait to see him shake his booty
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09th December 2023
A little bit of Ivor scabbing around, a little bit of water on the ground, a little bit of tinsel all around and shake your booty to the sound!
Tis the season to be Jolly, it's also the season that gets us excited as we countdown the days, waiting for the day you think will never come then blam and it's over for another year, thats right its Christmas Bandits time and what a memorable day it turned out to be! I think everyone already felt overwhelmed at times with the amount of data and the detailed itinerary supplied by this years organiser Duncan, so it was a relief when we all turned up at the right place, on the right day at the right time to begin the festive fun golf day. Unfortunately there was one omission from the starting 20 as a late bout of man flu wiped out Scotty Boy, but even that didn't phase our organiser Dunc as he quickly found a replacement to fill the void. So the traditional pre match coffee, beers, port and breakfast went well, the Christmas crackers were of the usual standard and the tension rose as the clock ticked towards the first tee time as we all wondered if Dunc had actually remembered to book some. But fully briefed on the format of the day, including how to use the bonus ball, to a level of detail previously unheard of, the fun began...
It was wet, the Greens were a mess (but enough about Ash and Tom they should have gone to bed earlier), we were on 17 temps, but credit to the Wrag team to have the course open, and the person who "scabbed it round" the best with a fine points tally of 45 (including the bonus ball double) was Former Wrag captain (2013) and champion dad dancer Ivor "Twinkle Toes" Whinney who edged past last years winner Wellery beating him by just one point, with Youngy coming third a further point behind, but those headlines only tell half the story as Duncan mixed it up a bit with an innovative rule change during the round. Who knows what goes on in the complex brain of Mr Case, and whatever it is can you bottle it? For reasons only known to Dunc he changed the nearest the pin on par 3's to nearest the pin in 2 on the remaining par 3's mid round (12 and 16). Using his incredible communication techniques he informed the players via WhatsApp of the change, but as i'm sure you realise it would only be those who were not aware of good golf etiquette who use their phone on the course that read it, so confusion reigned when cards were handed in! But that didn't detract from a great day. The winning team was Ali, Ivor, Youngy and Kieran, and another team probably came second but I'm not sure who.
Nearest the pin on the 3rd (in one, before the rule change) was Broomer, nearest the pin (in two) on 12 were Newwy, Vic, some bloke walking his dog, a squirrell plus a few others I think!, and as to 16 who knows, it's still under VAR review. Another mini comp invented by Dunc was nearest the clubhouse (in one) which ironically was won by Duncan (see picture below)... And the prize that nobody wants, the toilet seat went to Tonto who, from what i've heard thoroughly deserved it!
A delighted Ivor said following his win "What a day, what an organiser, its been the best, to be fair I had my best scabbing head on today and scabbed it well. Since I've been doing my dance training i've found my level of fitness has improved especially on wet ground as I can now glide around the course in sylphlike fashion, and that certainly helped today, I'm now off to celebrate with a beer and a little boogie woogie"
The final job of the day/year/ever for organiser Duncan was the presentation which was nearly held in the gents shower as we waited for Gary, but eventually, once Duncan had completed all his checks and re checks of all the prize winners, he announced Broomer in third place, after a quick recount, is 43 points more than 42? The calculators came out and eventually Youngy took the prize!
So after the prize giving, Duncan could relax and reflect on a great day, and we could all focus on beer and food, we all went to the Saracens and had a great Roast Turkey meal and celebrated a great day of fun and frolics! The bar has certainly been set for next years organiser which will be Gavin.
Now all that's left to say is thanks to Duncan for organising a great and certainly memorable day - great work!!
Our winner danced late into the night
Duncans nearest the clubhouse (in one)
Pictures from the day
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A worthy winner
A worthy loser
A legendary organiser
Vic telling someone else about his eagle
Vic waiting to tell Gerry about his eagle
Great to see Lloydy out in the Saracens
Saturday 14th June 2025
Red tees - yes please!
We are back! - following Broomers recent retirement the popular Bandits weekly(ish) update has returned bringing you all the news, gossip and made up stuff going on in the golfing world of the infamous Highworth Bandits Golf Society, a Society so exclusive and elite that "many are called but few are chosen" to quote Jesus (Matthew 22:14) when talking about us to his mates at some wedding.
So a lot has gone on since the last update (Christmas Bandits 2024), Shaun and Mark have joined us, and Gary has moved to pastures new, Ash has become a farmer, Perry has bought a £600 putter and we've welcomed Patsy back now his poorly knee is getting better. So there's been some changes, but most things have stayed the same, the morning banter continues (if we get enough people up to book), the golf is consistently inconsistent, and Ivor is still scabbing it around for 40 points (sometimes), and this Saturday was no different.
Four early bird Bandits made it to the clubhouse in time to book, with the Bandits President Elect Griff turning up for coffee before having to go to work to sort out who would be manning the candyfloss kiosks at this years RIAT. The initial topic for discussion was how tired Ivor was as he'd had a late night as well as playing golf on Friday, but that wasn't going to stop him playing golf again today and going to the Rosey with his key swapping neighbours later, if thats not the sort of commitment we need from the Bandits then I don't know what is. The conversation then turned to how great Sketchers slip in shoes are for us old Bandits, the merits of the Sketchers golf shoe before discussing what else Sketchers should be making, trousers were one suggestion before the conversation found the right level when sex dolls were suggested as a possible future product for the Sketchers slip in brand.
But all this highbrow conversation had to stop as our tee times approached and the warm up rituals commenced, and following my sausage bap we were on the first tee with 8 Bandits competing in the Weekend Series - Red Tees stableford comp while Ash and Ivor took on Nick and Newwy in the Summer 4BBB knockout, if World of Sport was still going there would have been cameras on the first tee...
As the sun came out Perry's decision to just wear his waterproof trousers as "it was raining in Wootton Bassett when he woke up" seemed a bit of a strange one, but despite his sweaty bollocks he still scored a solid 34 points, imagine what he would have scored if he had a decent putter! At the end of the round his 34 points gave him third place as AJ beat him into second on countback, with yours truly Broomer taking the staggering sum of £12 (1st place and NTP on 16) with a score of 37 points, Gav took NTP on 3 and 12, with Sweaty Perry taking NTP in 2 on the 18th. A delighted Broomer said "It was a victory for hard work, the hours of practice I'm now able to put in are paying off and this is just the start of my journey to get down to single figures" to which everyone else said "Your talking bollocks".
In the crunch 4BBB all Bandits match it was Ash and Ivor who were victorious, the defeated Floyd brothers declined to comment but when Newwy was asked how it went he just looked at Nick and raised his eyebrows.
Thats all for this week - there are a couple of pictures you may have missed below, if anyone has suitable pictures of Shaun, Mark and Simon for the "Who are we" page then please send them to me, if not we'll have to get some candid ones taken at some point. I'm leaving Gary's picture on the page unless his solicitors instruct me to take it down as I'm sure he'll be back one day.
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